Phenomenologic...

Tramp

2012-01-08T06:29:00.000-08:00

He was my bestfriend, he was like my angel. He went on peacefully. I can still feel a lump in my throat as I remember. Even now, I can still feel my eyes burn. I know he's somewhere else, a better place I pray. I do not blame him for going. I do not blame God. I just really miss him. In times like this, in times of fear, in times of pain, in times of loneliness and regret, even when I'm sick, he was there. As if to console or lend his strength. Even when I just needed to talk about something, he sat there beside me as if listening.

I remember the first time I saw him. It was a lot of litter of them. Small ones, big ones, young and old. He wasn't the first choice I had. But when I was about to decide which one to get, I took him instead. I never regretted it. I remember I had to put water in his food so he can digest it easily. And when it was time to sleep, he jumped on my bed begging for attention. I stroke his fur until he was satisfied to sleep. Ever since then we slept side by side. He would wake me up early in the morning too in times when he had to go out. He would scratch on the door when he wants to come back in. I remember once he was trying to lick my nose to wake me up.

He liked to stay beside me while I studied or worked. He usually would lie on top of the book I'm reading. He would always try to lie on top of my laptop too. He liked to stay on top of the television set when I watched a movie or something. He liked to take a nap on my lap. He liked to stay on top of the piano while I played a tune, or sometimes he would curl up on the keys, not letting me play some of the notes. He mewed back when I talked to him. He sometimes slept by the staircase as he waited for me to go to bed so we can go together.

At one point, he got confined. He almost died. He was there for weeks. When he was okay enough to come back home, me and my siblings had to take care of him. We cleaned his then sutures, applied medicine, took his temperature, gave him vitamins and meds until he was strong enough to be himself. And when I got sick for a month from a fatal disease, he was there too. Lying on the bed with me, only going out for a while and coming back again.

That was 11 years of memories. He was about 64 years old when he died. Its funny though, I still wait for him to get into bed even now that he's gone. Which probably explains why I couldn't sleep last night. I remembered some of his habits, funny ones and thoughtful ones. I didn't expect to cry so much over it, but I did. I understand and accept that he has moved on. I'm thankful that he became part of my life. Maybe someday I'll see him again in another lifetime or dimension. I really hope he's happy where he is now.

Graduation?

2011-11-17T05:02:00.001-08:00

No, thanks. Call me selfish, but I prefer not to march tomorrow. I've always preferred not to march. From what I know, one is supposed to feel a sense of accomplishment once you get on stage and grab your "diploma" - which really is just a piece of rolled up paper. The real thing is given at a later time. Anyhoo, this one is different. Although I still prefer not to attend the commencement exercises, this path of mine ain't over yet. Some might say I'm just making excuses, or actually trying to get some attention to myself. My apologies for their disappointment. Because I ask myself, what have I achieved? Truly? Nothing. For I was absent-minded during my senior year, the time when I was supposed to be paying attention to every detail that the school had taught us. Where was my mind you ask? Elsewhere, worrying about projects in the real world, looking for finances and of course, the one thing that really took most of my time, extra-curricular activities.

Today, I was supposed to take up an exam that I missed about a year ago. That was the eye-opener, that I haven't really retained anything in my mind, that I crammed most of my senior year. I read through the notes that was given a year ago and it came to me that I had so many questions now that I wanted to ask of my professor. What other details did I miss? There must be so many. No wonder I couldn't come up with a good design during the preparation of the exhibit. And that, my friends, is one major reason why I don't want to be in that event tomorrow. I don't see my worth of crossing that stage. And heck, why should I? The one thing that's most important is that I feel that I'm worth all of what I should have learned. I still have a second chance at that. The board exams. And if I pass that, well, I surely will be at the oath taking.

Absurdity of Life: The News

2011-11-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

There's something wrong with the world today. I don't know what it is. Something's wrong with our eyes. - Aerosmith

Prime time news in the Philippines is very depressing. Well, actually any kind of news is depressing nowadays, may it be something I've read from the newspaper or seen on TV. People killing strangers, people killing their own families, then killing themselves. People not caring if someone died in front of them. Innocent people getting hurt in the middle of nonsensical scrimmages. If it's not about death, the news is usually something terrible. Calamities, corruption, robberies, bankruptcy, crimes committed by minors. It's the extremities, really. And these are the ones usually seen in the headlines. Are we such detestable creatures to look forward to knowing how someone died or how someone was impoverished? Why do bad news seem to be more interesting than good ones?

My mother made a comment recently that news like these should not be aired nor be written about. She goes on saying that it gives people ideas. Ideas for intelligent beings I believe is a good thing. It adds to the curiosity. It expands the knowledge. It will eventually help increase brain cell activity. Because everything starts with an idea. It may later on progress into a possibility. And that is the point in which news like these can be bad for the audience. It somehow seems to be a consolation to the masses that it's okay to do these kinds of things. So more and more people would do it. It's becoming so common now that the progression may grow into a norm.

When was the last time I've heard genuine good news? Sadly, I might have been too young to even remember. But back then, life seemed to be better. Crime rate seemed to be lower. The world seemed to be a less gruesome place to live in. I for one cannot tell you if it's because I was too young that my parents didn't want me to be exposed to evil. But back then, people had values (which probably explains why my parents cared enough for me to see all the good stuff.) Back then, the purpose of bad news was only to inform the people, to be aware that someone out there may be endangering the lives of others. Wasn't it?

I have chatted with my S.O. about this and he answers my inquiry with, "That's because we are tuned into mainstream news that sells ads and does not inform us." So most of our news today is publicized for the sake of selling ads. It's also the ratings that count here where I come from. And bad news is good news for the network. But what is the reason behind the exposure? Is it to humiliate the suspects? Is it to embarrass the victims? Which reminds me of some of the people's mentality nowadays -they tend to flaunt their shortcomings or wrongdoings because it grabs attention and may gain an opportunity to be seen in TV or in the papers. And then I go in circles.

Going back, is informing the masses not enough of a reason for news? Why do they have to air the victim's relatives agony? The reporters seem to even want the relatives to cry and wail in front of the camera. What's worse some of these said relatives seem to love the attention. Where's the respect in this situation? Where's the honor?

Why don't the news just let the people be aware of the suspects? Or be aware of what the fad crime is? That's enough information for the public to take precautionary measures. But the times are extremely changing. Heck! News are the absolute alternative for "great" entertainment. They are tabloids turned into the ultimate reality shows that the networks have always dreamed of.

On Righteousness

2011-11-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

Do you believe that doing the right or wrong thing would depend on the situation that you're in? Or that it would also depend on the perspective of other people? Or even the intention of the one responsible? Do you believe that at certain times, we result to desperate measures that would blind us from our better judgement?

I do not know the answers to my questions. At this day and age, I've learned that there are too many things to consider before taking action. I was raised to believe that there are standards, protocols, ethics, values, all of which should be respected and practiced. But I am now exposed to the ways of the younger generations and how it contradicts the olden culture. The norm that I have subconsciously incorporated into my being is suddenly extremely questioned.

Haven't you noticed how moral character and values seem to disperse even more as each generation mature? And I ask this based on the values I have learned, which I believe by the way is less compared to the era of my grandparents and the grandparents before them. But that's it, isn't it? Righteousness can also depend on the generation we grew up with, and how more knowledge has been exposed to the people. Something could be right but is actually wrong once hidden facts are unveiled. Then there's more. Something can be right based on my opinion or beliefs but could be wrong based on yours. Who is it to decide whether it's right or wrong? We cannot always have a judge by our sides to consult with. We do have our conscience but I was told that not all people have one.

In certain situations, we may believe that our decision is the right thing to do. But realization may sink in at a later time that it's actually wrong. Now what's wrong with that? It is the coercion due to the time limit. We are pressured to make a decision. But if only more time was given to gather facts, then a better decision could have been made. But on the other hand, it can actually be right. A decision was needed, and a decision was given.

Demands, time, these are just some of the things that limit us, therefore causing pressure and confusion with quality as a sacrifice. Come to think of it, why is time such a pressure? There seems to be lots of it available. I'll leave that as a topic for another entry. For now, I am still confused.

Rantings of Regrets

2011-10-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

Kudos to the person who did so many articles in a matter of how many days. I trust that it's a job well done. Being affiliated with a well respected association. I am truly grateful for the assistance that was provided. Or should I be?

Reading through it all the work has been a pain. Considering that I am a freak when it comes to correct communication skills, I didn't know whether to laugh from hysterics or to cry from frustration. I should have trusted my instinct to have given it to someone else. Which I did at some point but I respected the time she was going through then and gave her just a tip of the iceberg. She has proven to be a better writer. Well, that was expected of her since I also follow her blog.

Re-writing almost everything, being way behind the deadline, and a seemingly queen from Alice in Wonderland bellowing for my head to be chopped off are contributors of a too great a pressure. Too great that my laptop got crushed from it and decided to give up on me (I have now fixed it, obviously, but that costed me a day of work.)

I wonder when I'll get crushed. *sigh* Back to work.

I wonder when the Mantataho would pass by. Having warm taho can at least ease my worries.

Weekends Are Important

2011-10-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

It was my first time to work and I was nervous. I was still studying then, a term left before graduation. I know, I was ahead of myself and I was warned to finish academics before doing anything else. But I'm headstrong like that. And it turned out to be a blast. Sure there were times when it was hard since I was juggling two lives. But the feeling of working, not to mention the achievement of financial stability, was addictive. I have to admit that I wanted to leave school then. But since it was just one more term, I held and carried on.

Graduation came, but I did not march. It seemed useless to achieve something that I really didn't want to study in the first place. I was in the office then, working, while the rest of my batch were throwing tasseled caps up in the air. Some would say I was a loser. Well most would say that actually. But I was enjoying myself, I didn't mind.

It progressed to over-time over the weekends. Heck, I even worked on the eves of Christmas and New year that year. Depressing, isn't it? It seemed so but I liked it. I liked the fact that no one was minding me and I had time to contemplate on my own. I liked the fact that the company was giving extra care for people who worked on holidays. It went on.

My mother must have noticed something. Because she suddenly asked me to study again. At that point, I've already studied college for years. But I bought it and juggled work and studies yet again. I was fascinated, fully captivated by taking on a a full-time job while being a a full-time student at the same time. Despite sleepless nights, feeling tired and weary all the time, falling asleep during commutes, I was having a blast. Until I grew cranky. I went on to a different company, thinking that might have been the reason. I became more of the little bitch that I was back then. I tried to lessen the load in school, still to no effect. And finally I got burnt out.

I stopped everything. For about half a year, I was a bum. It scared the sh*t out of me. I was about to go mad. Movies helped me then. I was useless at home though. I was driving my S.O. crazy because of my sudden mood swings. Until one day I decided to go back to being a yuppie. I was having the time of my life once again, still never minding the holidays and the weekends and all the supposed days of rest. I got bored. I got back in school. Multitasking felt great again! The cycle recurred though. This time I let off work and focused on the academic world instead. Like all things, it was initially enjoyable. But when it gets to you, it hits you hard.

The cycle went on until it recurred once more, and again, and another cycle started again. I was going in circles. I was useless if I didn't do a lot of things at the same time. One task won't do, and I won't do it unless it piles up. It was not a very good attitude on life.

Until one day, I realized how great a feeling it would be if the cycle was shorter. It dawned on me then, so that's why there are 2 days in a week for you to be crazy.

Its Actually A Long, Exciting On-going Story

2011-10-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

I found a scrapbook hidden among my belongings long since untouched. It doesn't have much in it. But here's a rather short story I'd like to share about that.

In a day that has passed about six or seven years ago, I've met a boy. A common friend of ours made the introductions. Back then, I was desperate for a tutor on video editing you see. And this friend of ours pointed me to him. My project was done and that was the end of that.

Some months had passed without anything at all. No buzzes, no updates, no nothing. He's quite a mystery you see, which drew my interest rather than oppose it. I later on found out that the reason for his absence to the world was because of his father's passing. I was sorry. Still am as I always tend to forget the date of the anniversary.

Life went on and we became an item. It's funny, I can't seem to remember when we actually became a couple. But I've come to know him as an artist, a free-spirit, a hitch-hiker, a lover of life, a righteous rebel. He has become the source of my stability, just a glimpse of him can still the panicked heart.

I am at this point of wonder again. Have I ever returned the same affection as he had shown me? We've been through many of life's extremities that some people would think we've already gotten to know how the other would tick. But sometimes, it is still a mystery, still what draws me to our bond our guess.

Funny, I just remembered, when people would ask how long we've been together, I really don't know the answer. But for the longest time I've always said it's about 3 or 4 years. How long have I been saying that? It is in fact far longer than that if I add it all up.

It's been an on and off thing now. But after some reflection, I'm hoping it would still grow into something stronger.

Wedlock

2011-10-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

Before I start writing the post proper, I would just like to acknowledge recent visitors who came elsewhere, enlightening me with their presence. Thanks for taking time to read my blog. I have to admit that it did feel amazing, knowing that some people actually visit my site. But my principle still stands, I only write for the purpose of expression and of straightening my thoughts out.

So going back to this post....

Taking it from the previous one, I've started to wonder what weddings are really all about. Is it truly about the union of two people? Is it a front for the public? An exhibit or an event? An excuse to prep up and be seen? Or is it for the satisfaction and contentment of the people who would like to see a couple wed. I've browsed through the pictures taken from Sha's wedding, I remembered the ritual of which my sister and my brother-in-law took vows for commitment of eternal love in this lifetime, and I am about to partake in my cousin's wedding next year. It got me thinking and I'm hoping to find if not an honest answer but an answer nonetheless at the end of this entry.

Wedlock is such a gruesome word to call it, don't you think? It feels like being forced to be with someone you don't like for the rest of your life. But when I was looking at Sha's wedding pictures, she and Ten looked all ecstatic and excited to have the rest of their lives spent together. I didn't mind the rest of the people who witnessed their union.

My belief by far is similar to what happened to my dear friend, a genuine celebratory ritual of two people's union. But then, that is just my perception. For in this new world, marriage is either for fools in love who take commitment lightly and end up in separation or for partners who are truly, madly and deeply in love and last as what they've committed. The extremities I should say. Kudos to most of the people from the wiser generations. From my observations, their marriages lasted as they have vowed, pre-arranged or otherwise. (More kudos to those in pre-arranged ones.) Which again leads me to another question. Is it really a matter of love or is it a matter of people's values, of honoring their word? Sadly, I cannot answer that at this age. I will have the answer once I'm all old and gray and still with my to-be-husband.

What I've noticed with weddings that I do not like so far is that it's all grand and attention-grabbing. People cannot seem to be content enough that they must have a better wedding than someone else's or that they meet the standards of a traditional wedding. Isn't it enough that they finally be wed? I still do not get the point why it has to be this and that, costing them big, fat holes in their pockets, that it has to be approved by a long panel of sponsors, that it has to be sponsored by a long list of people, and that there should be a long list of guests.

I remember someone telling me once that they didn't want to offend the rest of the people who wanted to be at their wedding, the rest of whom they can't even remember the names of, or how they are related to. These people, will they share the couple's happiness when they finally see them exchange rings, exchange vows? I think if they know the couple very well then they are guests who honestly mean to witness the event. Not the kind who just takes the opportunity of free food, the chance to be dressed and prepped up and be the subjects of photo shoots. If you think about it, less guests, less expenses, less sponsors, less headache.

For the matter of sponsors however, if they are well-meant sponsors, well, they should do their part and contribute for the better well-being of the soon-to-be newly weds, not just because they want their names to show up and make them appear like they're from high society. Yes, I get the reason why their approval is sought for in every decision to be made as it is their finances being spent. And not just that, it is their wisdom earned from all the experiences that's also being looked up to and respected.

By now, you must have profiled me as someone who has not partake in a great many wedding ceremonies that has attained my ideals. You see, I come from a family in which most of the weddings are either pre-arranged or can be compared to a circus. I do not mean to speak badly of my kin. It is just a matter of truth.

I've seen it all too well, the bride and groom becoming puppets of their own show, strings controlled by so many others that they do not know what to do or who to follow. Or they themselves are the ones too much in control that they tend to make it a show for the public and forget what it's all about. It's sad, really because if it is the latter, then I think that would be a beginning of something not quite real.

So what are weddings all about really? If I face reality head on, then the answer would still be the inquiry. But I've concluded that it can only be a matter of either two things. One is that it's about the contentment of the couple being together till (hopefully) death would part them, or it can be for the satisfaction of the rest of the world. Have I seen one that achieved both, then it would have helped me shut up about this. Hopefully though, it would be my own wedding.

Missing Out

2011-10-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

I was checking my Facebook page this morning. and found something that roused the old parts of my life. It was an album of pictures from a wedding that has taken place about a year ago. It was Sharon's wedding, one of the more prominent ones of the first batch of Peer Facilitators of CCS.

I remember Sha as one of the people who enjoyed life as it is, never minding of others' perception of her, for as long as she didn't harm anyone or hurt any others' feelings. She was one of the wisest among us. I remember her as being the other skinny girl, as I was the first one. She was a symbol of life's hard work on cheerfulness, always smiling, always having fun.

And now, she still enjoys life as it is. She's been married for a year now! Would you imagine? A year has passed without me knowing! And as I look through the photos taken during the event, I find friends of whom I've already almost forgotten. Damn!

So it hits me again. Where has the time gone? Where was I again? Oh yeah, I was busy being selfish, trying to catch up with my own passion. But I think now that I've gained a well-deserved reprieve, I can catch up with what's more important, my life.

Sometimes You Just Need to Dance

2011-10-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

(Lost original fiction, found due to my current state of decongesting chattels)

She maintains a wall flower, hiding slightly in one of the small balconies, barracaded by the curtains. She watches as the guests diminishes and only several close friends were left. She hears a song she likes and she slowly begins to sway to the beat, her habit. 

He appears suddenly beside her, all grin and gorgeousness, mocking her as he also swayed beside her.

She rolls her eyes and laughs silently. 

He takes her hand to dance but she shakes her head in denial. She pleads as he gently tugs at her arm, insistent. 

”Stubborn becomes you,” she finally says.

He takes both her hands as she admits defeat, puts one on his shoulder, the other in his hand. He places his own at the small of her back.

He looks at her meaningfully as the song plays on. Her brows slowly raised, her head a bit inclined, inquiring. 

“Nothing,” he answers. 

They look at each other in a silent rhythm. Another song plays, but he didn't let her go. They are still silent. She looks around uncertainly. 

“You are not used to this.”

“Not very much, no. This is like....,” she starts to appear counting a lot of times and went on,”.. my second time.”

He laughs out loud. She laughs with him. Some guests look to their direction. She can feel several pairs of eyes on them. But she didn't mind. 

“You look so....”, his voice fades but he is mesmerized as he searched her face.

She starts to protest but stops herself. She just smiles in appreciation.

She starts to break away when the song stops playing. 

“Just a little while longer,” he says in his boyish grin.

He still leads their dance to an imaginary tune. She feels his burden. Another song starts. She sings the tune quietly into his ear.

He wraps both of his arms around her waist, draws her closer and leans down to listen to her singing whisper. It goes on.

The music stops and he's still holding her. She rests her head on his shoulder. 

“What are you doing?” she asks, after some time.

Yet another song starts. They're still dancing. He holds her a bit tighter for a moment, then looks back at her and smiles.

“Savoring the moment.”

She frowns, however. She does that habit of hers when she's upset, trying to slightly wipe something away from her forehead. He imitates her frown and kisses hers away. 

“What's wrong?,” he asks.

She meets his eyes with hers, she sadly smiles and shakes her head again.


He heaves a long sigh, looks up to the sky for a moment, begging in prayers. 

He looks at her again.

“Grant me this,” he finally whispers to her ear, pleading.

She smiles. He starts to lower his lips to hers.

-o-

They watch in suspense. But she evades. She whispers something to his ear. They see him frown but he smiles in the end. They see them look at each other. She gives him a kiss on his cheek. He lays his hand on her cheek. And as if he couldn't stop himself, he holds her face, pressing his forehead to hers. Both of their eyes closed.

It feels heavy for some time. She takes his hands and breaks away. She's telling him something. They end up in an embrace and keep on dancing, swaying to the tune.

“Well played,” one of their friends comment sadly.

And they all sighed.


-end-

It's Time

2011-10-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

From the moment I took this path towards becoming one of the professionals to mold interior spaces, I have left a lot of things dragging behind me, haunting my conscience causing every ghost of guilt hovering in brain. Well, I guess I better face them now as to keep myself moving forward and finally embrace whatever new is ahead of me.

As of now, I'm multitasking between writing, reading books and thinking of a design for the spaces I will soon conquer in my parents' house. Yes, I still do live with my parents. Beats expenses, and besides, I don't have a job yet. (Sheesh, my brain's in a scramble. This is what happens when one realizes that there's actually so many things to do. Well, that's why I'm the Messy Nuthead!) And I believe my mother is expecting me to turn this place around after finally getting my degree done and over with. That's basically the reason for the multitask. I write to unscramble my brain, I'm reading a book about organizing - although I pretty much already know what to do, but it is better to acquire new knowledge - and thinking. Whew! I always think, or just day dream, which explains why I always space out. I just hope it doesn't progress to something scary.

I will soon start with my room. My mother decided that I transfer back upstairs. I had this room painted blue. I was thinking that my brother will soon acquire the room. I might still be thinking that. But I guess it's best that this be a neutral room. Nothing too specific. Now my only other dilemma is either to buy new furniture or have it customized, or just recycle pieces of the old ones.

The other bathroom upstairs is also waiting. I have started buying accessories for it as I've already thought a good color scheme to make it cozy. Yeah, I've thought of things to get rid off too. And the most important thing I want to get my hands on, is a segregating trash bin. The ones that look like one bin but actually has 3 or more bins when you open it. That's for all the areas here in this house! It is a bit expensive. I'm still thinking of a creative way to make one of those that's somehow resembling the ones I saw in the market.

My mother always thought us how to segregate our trash. And yeah it's a pain if you only have one bin in your room and you have to throw out something made out of plastic. I still have to run downstairs to where the plastics are supposed to be thrown. And mind you, it's not a very big one considering how much plastic we throw away. Sigh, its sad how this world has become too dependent on plastic products.

Anyway, I'm also thinking about our living room. I'm reading this book my S.O. gave to me eons ago called The Personal Organizing Workbook by Meryl Starr. And wow, you guys better read this. I mean I have my own crazy logic when it comes to organization but man! I believe I still have a lot to learn. It's not easy especially for the ones who craze over sentimental values of little things.

Ugh! The list of things to do for our house will go on and on. I haven't thought about the other things in my life yet. Oh yeah, one of the other things would be my cousins wedding! I'm kinda excited about that since it will be in Ilocos. It's funny really, I'm not excited about being a bridesmaid but more of how to get all things to go well. Like invitations and stuff. Ooooh.... I'm doing that thing again when I'm excited. Kicks and Dan might just laugh at me again if they see me.

So yeah, it's time. I won't go on and one anymore so that I can finally start on things!

I Was Once Told That I Was Beautiful

2011-10-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

And he meant it.

It was at a time when I was not with someone. He did not say it, no. But he sang it instead. He was sitting behind me then. It was flattering, really. But I ignored him. I felt more confident however, more feminine. I felt genuinely appreciated. And I would prep myself up every time I knew I was gonna see him. I looked forward to it.

It's something I smile about now. Since then, I started to appreciate my physical self.

It is funny how women need words to know how much they're worth in other people's lives. Particularly, words coming from the opposite sex. Call it insecurity? I guess. But like what my friend, Kicks, told me, "Words are powerful when said." More so when they're done.

Not to make my head bigger or anything but you would know when a guy looks at you and he finds you pretty. His eyes will just keep on looking back at you even if he thinks you don't notice. Yes, I've seen that look before. More than once from my S.O. Sadly, his eyes were not on me. I just shrugged it off.

The memory is I think the cause why I'm lying low.

For the lack of something better to do

2011-09-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

I have been down with the flu for the past few days. And I was lucky to have my S.O. here with me during the worst of it. Sadly, we couldn't get out of the house because of my ailment. But it was fun. We enjoyed home-cooked meals for our date, not to mention having my parents to double the date with us. But all of whom told me that all my busy days are finally catching up with me. Yeah, I can't agree more. It was just a matter of time. I guess I just wanted to see the exhibit through completion before I fell ill. And my S.O. got to see it too.

Call me weird or freaky, but it just sunk in on Press Day. Although, I really didn't mind all the press and the media. Didn't care much about Alumni Night neither. But on that day, I finally realized that I made it. It's finished. It made me smile. My co-exhibitors might have thought me as a fool, seeing me smile out of the blue. But it was done. I looked at the booth, and it was there. I might not have been proud of it at some point. But it looked great now. I'm content with that. I do feel satisfaction. But whether satisfaction over maximizing creativity or just merely for its completion, I really don't care. At this point, I would just like to move on with my life. Start lighting another one of my creative candle's wicker. Because I'm out of creativity, not even a spark. It's obvious enough from the looks of the booth.

I have to admit that my adviser was right. No wonder he expected more from me. He knew I could have done more. But I couldn't squeeze out anything from my brain anymore. I never knew why I was out. But I've developed a theory. With the time I had, just lying in bed trying to recover and win meditation over pain, what choice do I have but to develop such nonsense? Anyway, my theory is that I stopped living my life. I became too serious with what I was studying, became too competitive that at some point it all just came to a halt. I have stopped feeding my brain with all things enjoyable in life. That was where my spark was coming from. I used to know a lot of things, did a lot of things, read about anything, talked to people, to strangers even. I used to take rides to no where. I used to see old friends frequently. Now? Kapoof! Zero! Zilch! Nada!

But then again, that's just a theory. I might just develop another one while the typhoon passes. Speaking of the typhoon, it's preventing me to do a lot of things, like going out and hunting for a dress for opening night. Not that I care much for that night. It's the same old shit anyway. Heck! Who knows, I might develop another flu and just go back home after the program starts. Yeah you can say that I don't enjoy social events. But like Chubz told me a couple of years ago, that's part of the job description. But is it a result of success? Social events like press day or press conferences, being featured in magazines and newspapers? Probably but not likely. For me anyway.

When I was at the height of the flu, my S.O. came for a visit. He brought with him an Indian movie entitled, the 3 Idiots. He was meaning for us to watch it ever since he came back in Manila. It was an eye-opener. Not to mention a good comedy. It was about striving for what one is passionate about, where one is happy, where one is actually good at, where one excels. "Pursue excellence and success will follow, pants down"

But what is success? I'm getting more confused by the moment on how to define it. How will one know that it has been achieved? Will it rely on how others perceive of your work? Will it rely on your perception? In the industry that I will soon work in, it will rely on the client's point of view. But for a less-experienced designer, that would be an enormous challenge because in the school where I came from, we were trained to exercise and maximize our own creativity based on our own inspirations. I have met a lot of students who were so headstrong that they failed to get the gist of what our teachers were trying to relay. And so I wonder, will I design for my own expression of creativity or will I design for the satisfaction of the client? A new question will be added as our exhibit is based on sustainability. Will I design for a better world?

I worry too much.

Note to the Batch Draft...

2011-09-04T05:29:00.000-07:00

Syet, I need to observe more of our batch. Karen, if you can read this, please comment. Teehee.

We were amidst the tension and the stress, the exchange of stupid words as expression of aggressive emotions, the worry over what resources that's left and where to get for more that were needed, the prayers of hoping that this would end, there were just so much demands of us that it seemed that there was nothing left but tears from all the frustrations. There were no paths to take to get a move on. At some point, no one understanding where you're coming from. No matter how hard you squeeze the innovation out from your mind, you can't even depend on an ounce of creativity at the most crucial moment. We called upon desperation and we were at the brink of running to the exit.

But we did not take that chance, no. We knew there was only one way to go, one goal to aim and that's marching off to the accomplishment of becoming the best Interior Designers.

Despite the feeling of all things trying to beat us down, from the moment we were asked in Perspective 1 to manually sharpen our pencils over and over to perfection that they look dangerously like medicinal injections, to the initial shock from the requirements needed for our Interior Architecture plates and finally to our much awaited Exhibit, remember that we always had our passion and our knowledge to get us through it all. These were our tools to attain the achievement that we have been working so hard for the last 2 and a half years. Now they turn into our weapons to fight and conquer the realities of life. Because the hardships do not stop here, my friends. This is only the beginning of what's waiting for us out there. Believe me when I say it will never get easier. And like all things in this world, it will only grow more complicated. There will be people who will be even harsher and more demanding. But have faith. We too have grown not just as designers but as much more matured individuals.

We have been grandly prepared by our beloved school, molded by the words of our professors, assisted by the staff and the personnel, and greatly supported by our family, friends, relatives and other loved ones. For that, we will always be grateful to them. Like us, they have also been through a great ordeal to see us through this achievement. And we're finally here, together as a batch, taking the next step to our dreams. We've had each others' backs for so long despite the fact that we were almost divided at some point. Remember our memories, they are also something to fall back to in times of hardships that may come.

So practice what we've learned.. We owe ourselves that much. We owe it to all the people who have contributed to our success.

Congratulations, everyone! We're finally at the finish line!

Raizah Bangahan
Editor-In-Chief
PSID Advanced Class 2011

2011-08-08T00:48:00.001-07:00

I have 2 hands, 2 eyes, 2 ears and 1 mouth but that doesn't mean I can use them all at once cause I only have one mind.

My Arena of Billiards

2011-08-07T00:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm really busy nowadays and my only getaway is blogging so forgive me.

I've always loved playing billiards. I have no idea why. It's probably because I love to analyze the angles from which the cue ball should hit the target ball in order to get into the pocket. Or probably its the amount of force you have to apply into pushing one ball to the next in order to get the right placing. It's all physics and geometry, nerdy stuff.

I started playing billiards back when it was starting to make it's boom in the sports industry. Efren "Bata" Reyes had just won the second WPA World 9-Ball Championship, which was the first time to be aired on TV. And you can just imagine how Pinoys were in hysterics. Thus the rage over the sport was borne.

This was the guy who first taught me how to play. He was my blockmate. We were waiting for our next class which was hours away and we couldn't do anything else. Back then, DLSU was surrounded by billiard halls, thanks to The Magician's win. We were always the first customers, already waiting outside the hall for it to open. And we would stay there for hours. Since then, I was known in Gox to always be the first one to come in mind if they wanted to play billiards. I've earned different names like the Sharp Shooter for always nailing long shots and the Gapang Girl for making balls crawl into the pockets from a perpendicular shot. The titles didn't really affect me or anything. I just really wanted to play, to the point that I even tried playing just on my own which I was adviced against by my kabarkadas. Imagine, being a small girl on my own in a billiard hall playing by myself.

me, my brother and my nephew

At home, I've always asked my brother to go with me to any of the billiard halls surrounding our village. He wouldn't want me to go though, being a girl and all. But when my nephew who was just about 7 years old back then, was starting to get really good in playing, his parents would always take him to a hall in Morato Ave. That was my only chance to go and play. The first time I went with them, shock was their only reaction as they found out that I can actually play. And I would only smile as the word had spread to our relatives.

Like any fad, the sport faded away. Not for me, however. I still love it after all these years. Although I haven't been to any hall recently, which seems to get fewer and fewer. Last time I went to one, all the players were kids, daring for a game (which almost always is the source of bet placing). But I respectfully declined. Like what I said, I just really love to play.

Losing Track Part 2

2011-07-24T02:47:00.000-07:00

Currently playing billiards online with Chubz.

A year or so ago, I told myself a job won't feel like so if you're enjoying it. I now laugh at myself for saying that.

I may be good at what I do. But that doesn't mean that I like doing it. There wouldn't be a problem if you'd like your job now, would you? I know I cannot have what I want at the moment. Sometimes life just calls upon you to do what is right or what is needed. At the moment, its both. Life can be so demanding at times.

It's different however if focus is lost because the body is the one giving up. With every movement there is pain. It is probably a reflection of my situation. As every move I take to carry on is a suffering I have to undergo and a it's real pain in the arse!

Losing Track

2011-07-22T19:26:00.000-07:00

Currently watching FINA Diving Grand Prix that was held in Canada. Airing at Solar Sports. The Chinese competitors look so cute. They won as expected. :)

Yes, I know you've experienced this too. When all of a sudden you didn't want to work or do anything at all. When you suddenly lost the reason why you're doing all this. Your passion just went kapoof!

You know why I know? Because I've been in this situation for the past several months. Yes, I have to admit that that I am in the middle of nowhere. And that may be one of the reasons why I cannot lead either my exhibiting team nor the committee assigned to me very well. I can see how both groups seem to be falling apart. Exhibiting team has no direction at the moment. The committee is at a scramble. I would like to run away from all this. Where will I run to you may ask? The simple life that I've been longing for back where Chubz is. But I'm making myself blind. Because nothing is really simple.

In this life, at my age, realization should have sunken in. It did some years ago. Back when everything was planned. Maybe I just couldn't accept the fact that I cannot control my own life. We can control the choices that we make. But we cannot control how we came upon these choices. At this point, I have so many of these laid out before me. All of which I'd like to take, of which I believe I had to take. But I know I had to leave some for myself, as I have been told.

to be continued....

When I'm sane...

2011-07-08T10:20:00.001-07:00

Song I'm listening to: Sweet Child of Mine performed live by One Walks Away. Oliver's voice rocks!

Was just talking to Max a few minutes ago who just arrived and went in to say hi to the rest of us. And I am left here outside trying to catch up with updates and submitting reports. F*ck my connection at home for not working. I keep on bringing stuff to work during gigs! Such a loser!

Anyway there seems to be a lot of peope tonight. But I didn't see the ones whom I was expecting. Good thing about tonight was, I wasn't sleepy. Last night however, I was just asleep on the the sofa while the band was playing. It felt good, energized from the nap. It's something that I will miss in a couple of weeks. God help me. I remember those days when I only had 2 hours of sleep each day, maximum of 4. I was dead on weekends. People didn't usually hear from me then. And man was a I bitch then! Made me think, why I ever chose this path. It's true that life cannot turn out as one has planned it.

Once upon a time, I had a good life. I was content, satisfied. A great-paying job, a sweet and cheezy almost-perfect love life. I was happy leading a stratight path I made for myself. Yeah there were a few stones and pebbles that were easy enough to handle. And then suddenly a fork was encountered. Damn the fork! Damn my decision for taking the path that suddenly appeared. It took me a long time standing there before I went on my way.

I saw it though. How my life would change after my decision. How I would break away from the love I had so cherished. How I would suffer for something that I didn't whole-heartedly want. Man, I can't even remember my dreams now, which I have to take note of by the way since most of my dreams (when I'm asleep or not) come true. But I'll that for blogging later.

You know, I could have been anything really. I could be good at anything no doubt about that. But all I ever wanted was a simple life. Well, a simpler life than what I have now. When asked what my dreams/ goals are in life, I always envisioned a life in the outskirts of the country, with a farm. Something to harvest, some animals to tend to, feeding chickens. And I'll have my kids to raise. But I don't see that now. Everything's a haze.

Do I regret being where I currently am? Yes, no doubt about that. But sometimes I also wonder what I could have been if I didn't take this path and I might have still regretted it. Well, man is never really content. I believe that a person will surely die just like that if he/she is trully happy with life. Which is also a reason why I have this mini-phobia on being too happy.

Song I'm listening to: #41 perfomed live by One Walks Away featuring Paolo

No online billiard date tonight. I guess he's tired or working hard on his projects. Oh yeah by the way, have I mentioned that we're back together? I will blog about it some other time.

Man, the keyboards too loud! I can feel the vibrations inside my chest. But the jamming is something else that I haven't heard. I've heard this song like gazillions of times. But tonight, since Mike isn't here to play the violin, Paolo filled in with his keyboards. And eck, it's coming to a point when they're getting out of control with their jamming. It's good though. Its great. But its just a little too off at times. They probably had too much to drink already. I sure hope that there's not a 3^rd set!

That's it for now. I have a few things I need to blog about but will save it for later.

sometimes i eat veggies

2011-07-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

the routine of daily life: the vision of a plain ceiling, the feel of the cold morning air. i dragged my bath towel together with myself to the bathroom. a splash of warm water. that felt damn good. but i continued to drag myself to breakfast. coffee, bread, the occasional egg or cheese or sandwich spread.

my eyes suddenly grew wider, i had a to do list that carried over today from yesterday. scrambled aimlessly and tried to figure out which to do first. the usual text messages that screamed for replies. everyone seemed to want to throw my phone out the window. a long list of emails quietly, patiently waited to erupt and let loose of words and statements. time flied without sustenance, without courtesy, without respect, without myself.

the vertiginous reality kicked in. i was less of what's left of myself. food was sought for. junk was the key. meat and bun, cholesterol-dipped carbohydrates and bubbly, over-stirred sugar in water. or on rare occasions when sanity was still intact, the usual local itsy-bitsy white staples and a slab of protein.

afternoon swept by, a worse scenario of biting heads and biting tongues getting work done. the evening was a blissful final course that caused even darkening bags that would be evident of the next day. then slept of dreams that can't be remembered.

weeks have passed of the same dreadful meals. coffee, bread, fast food and occasional normal ones, heads and tongues. and then one night, i decided to break away from it all. i went to my brother's gig. and i found some veggies. nice and light. and problems seemed to have gone away.

i craved for veggies ever since then. veggies are good after all. but i only have it like once or twice a week. or sometimes none at all. this week is special however. it will be thrice this week, thrice. i think. one is sure and i'll definitely have that!

Parteeeeeeee!

2011-06-26T02:33:00.000-07:00

Party @ Amber

June 24, 2011

distressing day

2011-06-18T21:31:00.000-07:00

june 2, 2011, the day i turned 28. i am flattered that some people claimed that i can pass for a 19-year old. but that day i felt like i was 10 times older, tired and weary of life as it was. i considered it as one of the worst days of my life. some might think that it's only because i was expecting it to be as a joyful time of the month and instead, got disappointments. no, i have considered that day as any normal one. and i can still say that it is one of the worst days of my life ever.

that day was hell primarily because of one person who kept an oppressive manner to my nature. i will not go into detail. but i can assure you that it was too great that everyone else was trying to fight for what's left of my dignity. it's been going on till last Friday when we finally talked about everything else. a "heart-to-heart" talk should i say? we even hugged. and that moment i knew my other self was coming out. because i was starting to put that mask on my face just for the heck of being in front of other people.

that was who i was as Rai. if she knew me as Izz from the very beginning, she would have cringed. i am now trying to dig up Izz. everything else will change if she decides to show up. i have a feeling she will soon, since all my emotions are still bottled up inside.

burnout

2011-05-10T04:31:00.000-07:00

i feel so... wilted. there's not much that i can do despite trying to get myself back on track. forcing myself to be inspired with the things that could have made me feel better. my favourite colour, comfort food, music, shoes, dressing up, making up, day dreaming, talking to my brother (which actually really helps) i'm literally out of energy, out of spark. i swear i could have collapsed earlier from feeling too weak. good thing i was sitting down. i don't know what's wrong with me. this might just be the backfire that i was expecting. i think i'm on the edge of sanity. i can literally feel lucidity ebbing. i truly feel like i'm gonna crash on the floor and have a seizure.

this must be the first time i'll beg for it. but i need help. i know i need help. i cannot work. i cannot think. i cannot even cry. i cannot do anything except to write this out. i have tons of work to do and a lot of deadlines to meet. people must be wondering why i haven't sent out emails.

my light is just out.......

how i wish...

2011-05-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

that the song was for me.
but one can hope.
though it can end in disappointment.
what a great distraction you are from reality!
i am all flurry and giddy, however.
let me savor it as i have not felt this way for a very long time
i'm grateful i can still feel.

speaking in riddles, storms can be fun.
but rain? it can be sweet and romantic.

-----------------------------------------------
Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile

When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

the heat is on...

2011-05-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

The institution had this event last Friday. A summer party which I was so skeptical about because of how expensive the tickets were for just a few freebie drinks. But nonetheless, I attended the party just because I was one of the committee heads. A demand arose, asking me to be there by 6pm, 3 hours prior to the event itself. Yes, I was appalled by this notion because for one, I was not part of the organizing committee. Two, I am also needed elsewhere by another person from the institute. And three, I didn't have anything to wear yet. But I do have to admit that I was grateful for these demanding people as they have shown lenience that night as I arrived at the venue. My appreciation also went to one of my friends for helping me with my shopping.

Anyway, the event turned out to be a success. For despite the high cost of getting in there, the place was jam-packed! I was lucky enough to arrive early and find sanctuary for the people I know (I am known not to leave a place in a bar that I find comforting). I seemed to have shocked people with what I was wearing. I just shrugged their surprised looks off. FYI, I am actually quite comfortable with those outfits.

So I sat there with the rest of us waiting for 9pm. Me and one of my good friends, Ayie, seemed to be the only ones looking forward to the open bar! Bacardi instantly became our good friend too even after they ran out of his compliment (Coke). Ayie was so hyper, the host and hostess must be grateful for his participation as he was very inclined to join the games after 5 rounds of our drink. Sheesh I even got him to smoke! Lol!

It was nice observing people around me though. People kept taking pictures. Unfortunately, mine bailed out on me. There went my protection from being a target. Oh well. There were people smoking who weren't even supposed to smoke. There was a lot of mingling and I have to say a lot of guys checking out girls(including this person, but I just shrugged it off). But that's the price for persuading them to come because of tons of single ladies.

The night ended fast for me because I caught a ride with Ayie-rella who needed to be home by 1. He was kind enough to get me home safe though.

And that was that!

updates upon request

2011-05-07T01:46:00.000-07:00

"happiness is for everyone, including you. you have to believe in that."

yeah. but i've always had this fear of it.

you see, i have always believed in the balance of forces, of nature, of whatever you may call it. ergo, the fear of happiness connoting it's aftermath that usually results to it's antithesis. i remember asking one of my good friends back in college about this. we were hanging out in the school library then, wasting time till our next class. i asked him if he was ever afraid of being happy. he was surprised by my question, how it contained so much irony and asked the reason behind the inquiry. his expression appeared to be that of how my answer was full of absurdity. because aside from believing in the aformentioned principle, this person also believes that every life in this world should die happy. and upon application of logic on this entry, well.. if you're a follower of this blog, you're smart enough to know the answer.

now that i think about it, it has been a very long time since i've felt genuine happiness. it is a rather good feeling, isn't it? unlike most people, it's just not something that i would be addicted to. if i remember correctly, the last time i've felt it was with the previous team that i've worked with almost 2 years ago.

speaking of which, i kind of miss those guys. i've only seen the Firefly recently and i miss her already. she still is my solid ground after all these years. i hope to see her soon along with the rest of us.

going back, where was i? oh on feeling. right. i don't feel anything at the moment. i have been numb since the break up. i literally didn't feel any pain nor remorse nor sadness. and it is bothering me, extremely. i might just be ignoring it all as a defense mechanism. or it's probably i had another defense mechanism that was more effective should i say? but i can honestly say that's over now. no feelings whatever. so add that up to the numbness from the break up, it sums up to... well still nothing. blank. cold. hard. and i wish i could have distracted myself with work but i am so out of inspiration. i feel so.... gah.. i don't know, like all my energy has been squeezed out.

i'm really just out.

no, it's not a joke

2011-04-01T04:11:00.000-07:00

i wish it was just a feeling created by the aura of this day. how i wish it were. but i think i have to face this.

for the past couple of months, i have been facing my problems on my own. patience has always been my friend. but when i snapped and i really needed someone, i realized presence was a big deal. i turned to my family. my mother and my brother were the once who boosted my morale. and sadly i didn't even think of the one i'm supposed to be thinking about. was it because there's a great deal of distance between us? or i have been playing the blind, naive fool for the longest time.

looking at this past few weeks, i've pretended not to be committed to anything or anyone. i have relished that freedom. and i figured i wanted that. that was me, with no pretensions. i liked it. and i was happy. and i usually see what the future might be or bring. this time around, there's nothing but the exhilaration of the unknown and the unexpected.

for the longest time, i thought i needed someone in order to stand on my own. i'm okay being alone, i believe now that there's nothing wrong with that.

lintek

2011-02-08T02:53:00.000-08:00

t@ng in@!!! pwede wag mang istorbo???? pinagbigyan ko na kayong lahat eh! pwedeng ako naman???? kahit yung susunod na labingdalawang oras lang pwede? konting konti na lang talaga masisigawan ko na kayong lahat kasi di ko na nadadaan sa iyak eh.

pag ako ng napikon, lalayasan ko kayong lahat na walang pasabi!

Sad Rhythm

2011-02-07T21:32:00.000-08:00

We spent time dilly-dallying. We had pizza and pasta at the same place. The foreigners who decided to sit on the table next to us are too loud. And we decided to have coffee elsewhere. It was such a peaceful area. Just us and another couple sitting a few tables away from us. We take a look around and find bargain stuff.

He pays his fee. And there he goes. Again. I watch him walk beyond the glass of which I cannot break. He walks and waits his turn to pass through the security points. He cannot see me. But I know he is not oblivious from my gaze. He ties his shoe laces. I see him look back at me and smiles. He hesitates to go. I smile and he's gone. I am too.

It's like deja vu. I don't know how many times we've gone through it.

The hardest part is the next few weeks. I wake up with nothing to look forward to except for a message. There's the wanting of leaving, taking a break just to see him again. I cannot seem to find my right beat. It has already been a week.

Found it!

2010-12-26T04:08:00.000-08:00

Stowed music.

The crave for sound.

The mystery in words.

The bass and the beat.

The melodic squeal.

And then the bang.

An all natural high.

I close my eyes.

And then a smile.

Genuine.

And then I opened my eyes....

2010-12-25T04:00:00.000-08:00

It's been almost a decade since they were closed.

It was a joke to me.

And no matter how many times it was said,

I couldn't take it seriously.

Then I had a dream.

It was happy and sad at the same time.

I have finally realized.

But he had to hesitate.

It was too late.

Ten years too late.

And all we have are memories.

Now all we have is friendship.

But it still matters.

the missing ballet shoe

2010-10-28T04:34:00.000-07:00

have i mentioned that i still have a pair of ballet shoes? yes, pink Yvina canvas split-sole ballet shoes (or slippers) that i bought from Yvonne's. and yeah, i still practise some of the exercises that i can still remember back from my old ballerina days. its great for stretching and not to mention that it gives me a bit of a work out. i'm still aiming to strengthen my feet and toes so i can try a pair of pointe shoes. aaah. pointe shoes. i've always dreamed of getting a pair. but i have to get my feet buffed enough before i decide to make another trip to Yvonne's.

anyway, one of the shoes went missing. one of our cats were playing with it since the ribbons that i have sewn to it were quite appealing as a yarn ball substitute. and i never found it since then. it was difficult to practise again since they serve as one my inspiration to do the exercises.

what's funny about this pair of ballet slippers is that it doesn't actually fit. you see, a ballet shoe is supposed to be 1 and a half to about 2 sizes smaller than your actual shoe size. it's supposed to be small enough to be a snug fit but not too small that the toes will actually already curve. i believe it's because the slippers become more loose when the feet are pointed. i just realized that recently when i was planning on buying new a pair. and i was planning on buying the black ones this time which i believe is more me than the carnation pink ones. i was so excited on getting new ones.

but i finally found it today, my missing shoe. so much for a new pair. it's funny though, i feel like it's still missing.

Brilliance

2010-10-27T08:51:00.000-07:00

Warning: Might contain a tinge of egotism, a contradiction of the previous post and believe it or not, a composite of English and Filipino languages.

Okay, fine. Say it all you want. I'm brilliant. I know my works are appealing. They're great. No, they're magnificent! And yes you'll be ashamed of what you have done because I have yet again set the standards! Sheesh! Mag-si-tigil kayo! asfoiwaefasgkahsdfaksfpoapoha;e;h!!!! Sige sabihin nyo para tamarin ako lalo! As if you still didn't know my weakness.

I hate being called brilliant. It gives me too much confidence that later on causes my procrastination. I am still the one who suffers most in the end.

*sigh*

Do you know that feeling that you can excel in almost anything that you immerse yourself into? It's probably because I always try to conquer the challenges in it. Although I just shrug them all off once I lose interest.

Yeah yeah, this is still a post of finding my own place in this world. I thought I found it. But like what Binchee said, it is our "nature to forever pursue contentment." So how do I know the next thing that I take interest in won't be a quickie? Can't answer that I'm afraid. And at this point, I don't really care.

But you know what I really want to be or at least try someday? Be a housewife. Weird, I know. You'll wonder, of all the skills and talents that I have earned and developed and was borne with, why the heck will I settle for that? Okay, let's take it up a notch. If it's not a housewife that I'll be, then probably a ballet dancer. Yeah, yeah, still unbecoming.

I've told my sister about the ballet dancer part. We shared our views on how we could have fought for what we wanted when we were kids if only we knew then what we know now. Then maybe you would see me dancing in one of CCP's theatres.

*sigh*

Complaints

2010-10-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. We have been complaining since the moment we started crying our way out of our mothers' wombs. Has it always been our nature to do so? Was it in the Supreme Being's plan to create us this way? Or have we never been satisfied about anything at all? Is it a way for us to share stories and interact with others? What if we have reached to a point when we won't complain at all?

I don't intend to answer those questions. I am simply wondering. Better yet, I simply don't know the answers. Or should I say that those questions are actually what the title of this is. One thing's for sure, once you've realized that you've shrugged off the habit of complaining, you know you're one step toward maturity.

What Is It With Women and Shoes?

2010-10-17T03:03:00.000-07:00

So it turned out that I was busier than expected. Too busy in fact to explore the outside world as I've previously intended. I have at least found no difficulty with expression of words when faced with fellow human beings. (Thank God!) But rather found another obstacle that I have yet to overcome. Shoes.

Yes, you have read it right. And though I am as simple as I can be, I, along with the rest of the thoroughly civilized women, have a hard time resisting this temptation of finding the most befitting pair of shoes. Especially if all the kinds of shoes of MY size is laid out before me. Formal sandals, casual sandals, pumps, knee high boots, ankle boots, knee high cut sneakers, cross trekkers, oh dear God, I can go on and on.

You see, in the past couple of days, I've been accompanying my sister with her window shopping of shoes. At one moment, she was bursting with excitement upon recalling a shop in Shangri-La mall, swearing that I would love that shop. She was right. It was called (queue the choir and heavenly lighting) Payless Shoe Source, where all the shoes are arranged by sizes laid out before you begging you to try them on. I couldn't wait to wear it all! But as I wore one shoe after another, I found myself in dismay. Sure, they all looked pretty and dashing and sexy. And I could tell that it would feel comfortable.... if your feet actually fit. But alas, I was born with narrow, thin feet. And though it looked impressive as I slipped them on, it would feel loose as I tried to walk in it.

But God is surely good. Because I was blessed enough to find the perfect pair. Even the name of the shoe seemed to have been a sign. It was called, (again queue the choir and lighting)....

Heaven Zipper Platform Sandals.

So I've found a temptation. The only problem now is that I don't really need it. I've tried it on numerous times to find any discomfort to trigger a turn off. And no matter how much I've debated with myself, I always find my mouth hanging open, drooling as I stare ridiculously at it.

P.S. Dear Firefly, if you're reading this, I'm dying to take you to that shop as well! I'm sure you'll love it to. And even you men might find the shop intriguing.

Payless Shoe Source is located at the Ground Floor of Shangri-la Mall near Odyssey (I think, basta record bar yun).

Cerebral Scraps

2010-06-29T20:42:00.001-07:00

So okay. I find myself coming back here, trying to find answers by just stating the obvious of certain situations. And though I already know them, the plot of the picture still cloaks the crystal ball from which they are envisioned. Blotting it out unveils it all.

Yes, thank you. It certainly provides me relief of letting out some artistry in my words. I have not spoken frequently to anyone aside from the residents of this house and I find myself stuttering and grasping for words when faced with a friend or an acquaintance whom I have not seen for the longest time. The words are bottled up in my mind I suppose. And yes I know I have to get out of this house more often.

Having spent almost two years working in an industry in which I have spoken to people over the phone for most of the daily (or nightly I should say) working hours, it is difficult to suddenly put it to a halt and then start speaking with people in person. Come to think of it, should I get a handset, put it on to my ear and turn around before I start talking with ease? Crazy. But I do have to mention that the English and Filipino words are so jumbled up in my mind that my mouth is left open for a few moments before I stutter.

I am known to be a person who keeps mental reactions to myself upon initial traditions of acquaintance. And as days go by, less and less of those are kept. I know for a fact that this must eventually be eradicated because it is not very good in the line of work that I will pursue very soon. Or actually to me as a human being. Lest I create another persona to shield my genuine self. Nah, I don't think so.

So the solution? You're reading it.

On Kimmidolls

2009-10-07T18:31:00.000-07:00

My brother and his girlfriend just came back from Singapore and gave me this keychain of Miuchi for pasalubong. It's so cute isn't it? I want to get the Firefly one. But I want to get the one that suits her personality. This one says:

Dating Benches

2009-09-19T02:25:00.000-07:00

(picture taken from the Bug's photostream)

She sighed.

"Nice, isn't it?", he said.

"Yes, it is, as always", she answered. She sounded content.

"At least this time we have it for our own."

She looks at him meaningfully, tearfully.

And he says, "I love you too."

They looked on, as the sun awakens.

I smiled to myself. They have been sharing this view since the day when I was just peeping through from the ground, my leaves small and shaking. It is something they look forward to despite all the carvings and vandals left by people who bother their solemnity.

As always, my morning dew trickles as I secretly watch them beam. Someday I will be taller, my arms longer and my hands broader that I may reach and shade them. And they will know of my admiration and how I am grateful of this view.

Found.... Part 2

2009-09-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

I looked at the mirror and smiled. He liked my hair that way, (thus his new nickname for me) . It was tedious but time was in my hands and I knew he'll like the outcome, although it was attention grabbing.

The plane ride had proven to be the most difficult. There was nothing to do to distract me from the agony of waiting. I tried to nap but couldn't. I couldn't do my plates either cause it was so cramped. The only thing that distracted me was the guy to my right who was trying to calm his nerves down all through out the flight. Conveniently, somnolence almost took over when the games were about to start. I can't remember if I was half-awake or half-asleep or if I was pretending to sleep. And it only seemed a few minutes later when it was announced that the plane was about to land.

Being last to check-in had it's advantages. I was one of the first to get out of the plane. And my baggage was one of the first to appear. It was dark but the place was already starting to feel so welcoming. Or maybe it was because I was on stable ground haven.

Up by the flag poles he said. By the pole where the Philippine flag waved, he said. I already saw him from afar. I couldn't help but smile. I didn't care about the people around me or if I was desperate of sleep or if my bag was weighing me down or that I was worried I couldn't finish my plates on time. He was there and so was I and we embraced. It was nice and warm and relieving. And I felt like we were beaming.

For once I felt like I finally found home, there, in his arms.

(Until the guard shooed us off. KJ!)

===================================
And no, he didn't look like one of them dolls from the display windows. I'm so glad. Funny, I just realized that I don't see people as mannequins anymore. And I don't frown at the sight of rain.

Found... Part 1

2009-09-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

Leave applications, denied. My eyes were stinging. I never thought I'd get upset over a simple thing like that. I got so irritated and complained why they would deny it, then just have my boss send an Email for the preferred dates and get a reply saying they are yet again denied! Useless! And then I saw a drop splash on my station's desk.

I have to be with someone during the four days I've applied my leave for. I need to be rather, desperately. He is the reason... why I have this ginormous dot on my face which is pink from wanting to erupt any moment, (huhlolz!). But seriously, he is the reason for a lot of things. I just don't want to be cheezy right now.

Although in a few moments I will be.
========================================

I was on my way to work that night and I honestly cannot remember if I took a cab or the train. I felt too unhinged.

He was still upset about what the other woman had told him. I felt that he was feeling worse than how he sounded. I was so not at ease. Several minutes after I've set up at my desired work station, I found myself going through a website full of flame pages with green lettering. I stared at the pages and when I was starting to find that little airplane's face cute, I decided (long ago... never to walk with edu manzano... hahaha!). I told him my decision was final, even if he got mad at me. He reacted otherwise and I was glad. I smiled at myself when I stared at my itenerary a day later. It was finally definite.

There were so many things that I had to do before I left that I almost forgot to tell my parents. So the day before my flight, I made up a lame excuse (sorry teammates) and told them that I'll be gone for a few days for team building. Spare me the guilt, I told my conscience. And being the parents that they are, they even offered to drive me to the office. Oh man how my conscience seemed to bellowed at me!

Its funny how a 9 hour shift usually seems to stretch longer when you're waiting for something after you get out. But not that night. It seemed to have breezed by despite the occasional head-lolling and frequent text messages of excitement. He couldn't sleep. While I on the other was desperate to get some shuteye. Hahaha, how ironic.

Waiting for my flight didn't seem to be difficult to bear since we had a team activity that morning. My my, what scrumptious food we ate! And I also had some last minute shopping to do since I forgot a few things at home. So I went to this gigantic mall which I found so tiring and chaotic that I had to change my plans to do my plates at the airport instead.

Being 4 hours early prior to departure maybe absurd. Blame it on excitement I guess. My plates kept me busy anyway. Checked my baggage in a couple of hours later feeling confident that I'd be one of the early birds. Lo and behold, I was actually the very last one!

(to be continued)

Here's a story...

2009-08-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

Opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. I found myself exactly like it, blank. My cat went in the room and mewed for me to acknowledge his presence. He's been like that for months. I got up and walked out the room, rubbed his head on the way but he mewed still.

The hall was dark and empty. There was some light peering from downstairs. I followed it. The light was coming from the kitchen but no one was there. I headed to the fridge. Found last night's left overs. Wait, I didn't eat last night. I just realized that I had skipped dinner once more. How many days or weeks or months have I skipped dinner? I can't recall no more.

I checked the pot on the kitchen counter and still found rice in it. Funny how they still would have thought of me. I felt heavy all of a sudden. And so I ate.

My mother came out several minutes later. She was preparing to leave for work in a few moments. I would have prepared packed breakfast and lunch for her. But I just stood there waiting for God knows what. I heard her voice, asking to put the hard-boiled egg and the sandwich in her paper bag. She had made it on her own. I felt heavier after she left.

For a moment I sat and slouched. I knew I had to do something but I didn't know what it was. Not knowing what to do, I watched TV instead. As always, I flipped channels, going through all of them a number of times not knowing what to watch. I settled on Disney channel's "Goodmorning Mickey", old cartoons that I've seen as a kid. Got bored and found myself going through my routine again. I stopped at ETC's channel which aired an old episode of FRIENDS. I smiled as I remembered how lucky I am to have friends like that too. I watched Chandler and Monica go through an argument because of the past. I felt heavier yet again.

My Dad came out then. Funny how he still thought of inviting me to have coffee with him. I remembered my Mom earlier and sighed. So this time we had coffee together while he ate breakfast that I had prepared for him. I smiled while we talked about Mitral Valve Regurgitation.

Later on, I found myself watching TV again. I saw The Script's "Before the Worst" music video on MTV. It intrigued me. Watching it was similar to watching Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody" sometime in the past. And I started feeling. Odd, really.

Back to my room, my cat was already sleeping on my bed near my phone. I took the phone while I scratched the back of his ears. He purred. I'd like to believe he was grateful. I found my phone full with text messages. I felt sorry. Someone needed me. But I wasn't there.

I wasn' there. I was too tired. I realized how many times this had happened. And I always had one of either reasons. I was too tired. I was too busy. It is because I'm trying to live 2 lives. One that I'm entirely satisfied with, simple and enjoyable. Another that I'm still trying to attain for the sake of achieveing someone's dream. I'm hoping I can still live both. But I'm at that point when I know I have to choose only one path. I ignore the demand of a decision. So I suffer.

Au Revoir....

2009-08-04T19:11:00.000-07:00

She was shedding tears, my mother who rarely lets her emotions out. I looked at what she was watching and found the final rites of our ex-president's funeral. And I haven't felt the rest of the nation's mourning until now. Because as I watched my mother cry, it dawned on me that I couldn't imagine how my world would be without my very own mother.

I wonder, how the nation would go about after bidding our endmost farewells to our greatest president. I pray that she, along with his late husband, would still watch over us on our future fights and struggles for our country.

To Madam Cory Aquino, thank you for looking after our country's well-being. You have been the nation's greatest mother. I pray that you're finally resting in peace now that you're together with your husband.

*sigh*...

Even the weather seems to be feeling the nation's mourning.

.... a rarity of unusual events

2009-08-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

On July 28, I have yet again heard the name Arnel Pineda. I have no idea who he was till his name was mentioned by my teammates while we were bonding at one of the cafes near the office. I have heard his name before but had not paid too much attention on it. All I know is that he was a vocalist of a band whose songs I've been hearing while I was growing up. I've also seen his face on the big billboard, announcing their concert, near MRT's Boni station everytime I ride the bus on my way home. I must say that it stood there for a longer time than it's intended purpose. His face stood out amongst the serious faces of the rest of the band while he genuinely smiled. (naks). Upon hearing their songs after our bonding, which was then being sung by Mr. Pineda, I've suddenly felt some sort of nostalgia of the past. And ever since that day, I've been hearing their songs in my head. And coincidentially, I hear their songs on the radios of the cabs or any public vehicles I've ridden till the 30th of August. Well not all vehicles but most anyway. I must admit that the voice had an impact and reminded me of my previous chimera oddly. *sigh*...And oddly reminded of my great friend Bug .... *another sigh*... I have to admit I'm starting to feel the sore of his missing presence.

*skip*

I left out the rest of the things I'm supposed to say as I am not in the mood to be cheezy right now. But I am now listening to Journey's album, Revelation, which I bought earlier this morning.. I was dying to put the MP3 files in my phone, you see, but didn't want to just download it from the Net, (I am very particular with things like these and would as much as possible buy originals you see). I went home today and found that my sister had bought me Journey's The Essential, Limited Edition 3.0. Nice. San ka pa diba?

At least now I won't just hear the songs in my head but hear it through my ears too! Thanks my dearest sister! ^_^

Chimera...

2009-07-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

I was late. I opened the door that was nearer to the board and walked in the classroom. I looked at the person speaking in front, stopped and stared for few heartbeats. A new guy. But wait, I've met this person before. I knew it within myself that I've seen him in the past. And I knew he was thinking of the same thing because he stopped speaking and waited for me as I calmly walked to take a seat. That is how I am anyway. Save the details for later to save face from the rest who were watching, in this case, the rest of the class. I made a mental note that I'll see him after the class was over. I'm not even sure if it was a class or not.

I sat down. And looked at him again, naturally, because he was the one administering the lecture of some sort. Or maybe it was just some kind of speech or announcement. He looked back and I saw the knowing smile in his eyes. He continued the 'lecture'. I got disoriented. Someone was talking to me. My head turned to the left but my eyes didn't leave the vision in front of me. Someone was blabbering to me and I finally looked to the girl next to me. She looked young. Well, of course, I thought. I was older than everyone here by at most 5 years it looked like. I couldn't make her words out but I understood that she was talking about the "professor", that it was him and she was asking what he was doing here. She obviously knew who he was too. I'm thinking that she had a crush on him, or that she knew something about our history. Yet something within me said that this girl was not supposed to know about something. Or that I was supposed to be quiet about it.

There was a knock on the door. I looked up to see who it was. It was someone in uniform, someone in authority. I watched him walk to the door. My heart began to beat so fast. I didn't know why I was suddenly afraid. I don't know what they were talking about but it looked quite serious. He sighed. I stood up then. I saw the look on his face and I started to tremble. I knew this feeling. I've felt it before too. He held his head down and he walked away with the man in uniform. The rest of the class seemed to be ecstatic since we were free for the rest of the time for his class while I, well I just stood there trying to figure out what was happening. Nothing seemed to matter except for the notion that I had to run after him.

I did. I ran to the door at the back, opened and called to the hallway to wait. I didn't know why and I didn't understand what was going on but they did stop. The man in uniform listened as he spoke to him and walked away, giving us some privacy. Apparently, he was to wait outside the school grounds I guess. Or whatever building we were in. He looked back at me as I walked to him. I remember touching his shoulder, and some memories came rushing back to me.

It was the past I think. It was in a some sort of religious place of worship, like a cathedral of some sort. There was a ceremony taking place. It resembled a wedding if it were in our place and time. The place was brimming with happiness but the memory went up in flames. He was in the next flashback. He was alone and in tears. He was sitting in a place where there was a lot of grass. It was a place where I couldn't see myself being with him. A cemetery perhaps? I don't know. Heaven? If it were heaven, then I must have been in hell.

We just stood there as I remembered. But I acted like I knew what was happening. Well, it felt like I knew. And so we embraced. It felt like he was crying. But of course I couldn't see his face. But he held on like he didn't want to let go. I tried to comfort him. I said that it was okay, that it was fine and that everything's gonna be alright now. It felt like he was looking for me for a very long time and had finally found me. But the man in uniform reappeared. Motioned to him that they had to go. I can still remember what he whispered to me before they left.

"I'll be here when you get out", he said.

Gets me a smile on my face when I remember what he said. It kinda felt like I was in prison or something. Anyway, going back, they left. When I turned to go back in the room, the girl was there. She was watching us in awe I guess. I couldn't make out what her expression was. But the scene was gone.

The next thing I saw was myself, walking along a hallway yet again. It felt like I was about to get out of the building. I heard some voices. It seemed to come from the end of the hallway where the exit was as well. I went to take a look. Found a crease from a slightly opened door I guess. And true to his word, I saw him there along with 2 other men, like they were a panel of some sort cause they were asking questions. He looked bored. I found a fourth person seated in front of them. I returned to watch the panel and found he was looking at me. It felt like the first instance. He smiled and called my name, my real full name in the waking world. I was caught off guard. The next thing I knew, it looked as if I was walking to the back of the room but there were still walls inside it. When the walls ended, I stuck my head in and said, "Yeah?"

There was something going on after that. All four men were looking at me. He was still smiling. I didn't know exactly what was happening. But it seemed as if the rest of the panel knew me too. The 'interviewee' smiled at me politely but grateful. He was sitting in the middle of the panel, like he was the one in charge. There was a conversation. We were speaking with each other while the others were trying to mind their own business. He smiled again when it ended and I walked away. And I felt .. well.. excited I guess would be the right word to describe it. And a bit embarassed too I guess because I ran when I was about to approach the crease where I was peeping through, knowing that he'll see me there.

And the scene was over.

The next scene I believe was transitioning to something different. It felt like being half in the dream of dreams and half in the reality of dreams . Although he was still in it. It was in a studio. A band was in practise I guess but it looked like a performance. Apparently I was part of the band because I went in to play with them. I had an instrument that resembles a keytar. It's color was like of this font. And while we played, I found our vocalist accepting a tissue napkin with something written in it. He laughed as he read it.

"Ano ba 'to?", he said. And yes it was in Filipino.

I took a look at it and found the letters not written in our alphabet, but I understood it nonetheless. I smiled and I knew he was there watching. But when I looked up I saw a crowd. It was then when I realized that the band was sound checking. I guess we were about to perform. I found a group of people leaving. Yeah, it was him. He stood out as he left with a bunch of teenagers chattering around him. But he looked at me right before the doors closed. I put my instrument down and ran after him. I heard our vocalist demanding where I was going but I just ignored him.

The scene changed then. I didn't find him though. The scenes changed for a couple of times more without him in it.

Then I finally woke up. Found a dried-up tear on my right cheek. And tried to remember while I was half awake where I saw the guy before. I think I remember. I told the Firefly about an unknown guy once. It was also from a dream. I didn't know where he came from. I haven't seen him in the waking world either. I ignored the dream and moved on. I'm thinking it was the same guy. I guess. I don't know. It's possible.

I got out of bed anyway and went to eat breakfast.

Day 9

2009-06-21T00:45:00.000-07:00

I guess I am ready to return to the ant life. At this point I think that is a better place than here. Sheesh. i wanna get outta here! Bury myself in work is what I want to do. I know when I've outstayed my welcome at home.

Doesn't it irritate you when your parents are always right? Don't get me wrong or anything. I love my folks. They're the best. I just don't get it sometimes if they want me to be their baby girl or the matured one who handles all the responsibilities.

"Why are you always in front of the computer", she rants.

I think to myself, Are you meaning me or the other one in the next room?

"Why can't you take matters into your own hands and be responsible enough?", he vents.

Are you meaning me or the one who never came back home?, I thought.

It's hard to be the last one in line. They throw all their frustrations out on you.

I miss my teammates. With them around, I know who I can be.

Myself.

2009-06-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, Celestial Mass of Carbon.
This is getting a bit freaky.
But whatever it is that you have,
it is working.

I am going back to work tonight.
With sanity, or none of it.
And you lot better get ready if I have none.

Celestial Mass of Carbon

2009-05-24T20:01:00.000-07:00

There you were, cowering in one corner, rotting away, wishing the angel of death would soon pay you a visit. And then one day you decided to finally boost somebody's ego once again, after not giving a damn about him for the longest time. So you saw him. You met him. You hugged him tight. And suddenly after all that time, you realized that you actually missed him. Through all the hurt and all the pain, I actually missed him. And when we finally hugged, he didn't seem to want to let go. I felt his agony. I knew how that felt and vowed not to miss anymore events in my brother's life. Karma seemed to be watching and acted up quickly.

=============================================

(Get your forks ready cause I bet you're all up for cheesecake!)

=============================================

For there was a stellar rock shooting back and forth right before your eyes. An enigma that you cannot take your interest away from, as you watch it fall and pass through your grotesque befallen sky. It's probably gonna land in someone else's world, you thought. Little did you know that he might pass by your world too. And as the atmospheric phenomenon gradually crashed, you're blinded by the emitting light but courageously looked on.

It's funny how a handshake can pick you up from the ground. Funny how a moment's eye contact can make you see your broken pieces lying around you. Now how could I have overlooked those? He moves on, I believe. His final destination is set to another world. But he is still up there firing up your sky as you pick up every little piece of you.

His light is contagious and you'll feel it jolt through you. You can feel that glow inside you now and decide to walk on with a smile.

=============================================

And then you remember, as you pick up the pieces. These are what I liked, these used to be my dreams, this used to be my life. I think I can live it now.

=============================================

I'm attracting the mice.... Nay! The rats! Tama na nga ito! ^_^

The Challenge

2009-05-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

The Lead Guitarist.

He has served his purpose of reviving me. It's funny how simple pleasantries with this person can make me pick myself up from the dirt that I have stumbled hardly upon, dust myself off and walk on with this silly smile on my face. It truly feels great to be where I am and who I am now. Let's just skip the cheese and go directly to champagne for celebration.

He is a real challenge, however. He reminded me of myself when I was younger. Always happy, always laughing and eager to learn anything life's path had come across. The difference is, he was not beaten down by something drastic in his life. If he was, then it does not show or he has moved on beautifully.

So now, I'm trying to figure out a way of how to overcome him. I do not want to attach myself too much to someone I know I cannot hold. I've learned my lesson the hard way.

Sent Home for Jelly Legs

2009-05-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

Ugh... I'm still feeling the remnants of last night's champagne. But I must say I did miss it. Champagne is very nice. Very nice indeed. It's a good thing that my the boss was of great lenience last night and sent me home because I felt the effects of the alcohol when I got to the office. What a traitor of a drink it is, champagne!

Use Somebody

2009-04-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

use somebody
kings of leon

A great memory is like a good song that I have just recently discovered. It has been there, playing through the waves over time without my notice. And once I have come across it, I would play it over and over again like it was newly released till I have no need to hear of it.

But this song is different. A smile seems to have been playing on my lips the moment I heard it, the moment I saw it and in every moment that I remember. And I wish I can get rid of control and just burst out with raw emotion.

The song may fade at some point and it may belong to someone else. Yet I am grateful. Because, yes, I can feel again. I have not seen it coming this soon. I am just so utterly glad that I can feel this much emotion once again.

Yesterday's Passing Thoughts

2009-04-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

Grocery shopping with my Mom and my sister had proven to be a splendid activity. It's been too long a time since we all went shopping together. I forgot how little things like that can lighten the hearts burdens. I laughed inwardly as all three of us tried to compute how one sheet of toilet paper would cost if we bought 10 rolls of 800 sheets compared to 48 rolls of 220 sheets. Maybe it's little things like that would make me actually feel again.

Speaking of feeling, I have mentioned in one of my prior entries that I may be emotionally numb. I may be physically numb too. I heard a mighty loud bang as I was getting on to the front seat of the jeepney to my destination yesterday. The rest of the passengers seem to have noticed too as they focused all their attention to me. I hit my left shoulder, you see. I wondered where the pain had gone. I waited. And waited still. Nothing. Still no pain whatsoever as I reached my stop. Funny. When I got home to look at it, there it was. A big bruise on a bigger shoulder compared to my right one. Ain't it odd?

Anyway, I remember yesterday when we got back home, my Mom asked me and my sister to help her bring the sack of rice into the house. So as both of them organized all the groceries inside the house, I was left standing there in the garage, staring at the sack that was lying in the car's trunk. Mom called me in to help with the groceries. And that was that. She decided to go back outside but stopped when she reached the front door. The sack was there in the foyer. I brought it there.

=========================
This blog is quiet, I know. There is something to write about. Lots actually. But even drafts are not saved. Maybe it's just the constant shift change. It's hard to plot when to blog.

2009-04-21T23:33:00.000-07:00

2009-04-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

A silent blog either means I am too preoccupied or there is simply no urge to write.

Numb As Any Mannequin

2009-04-04T02:57:00.000-07:00

She bounced happily towards me, with her usual cheerful self. Her voice elaborately high-pitched to portray the very essence of her being, a person of such warm light and sweet breeze to your day of darkened spirit. The Firefly, as always. But this time I did not recognize her. Or more so, I could not recall how I was to be when I was around her. In all earnest, I scavenged for the smallest of imprints on my brain of the past. But it must have been made on sand as they have now blown out of my knowledge. Reluctant creases started to form on my forehead, I try not to cause her worry and resembled her glowing light despite the hollowness of my intent. My apologies, dear Firefly.

And there are still other presences that seem to defeat the very purpose of it. They now turn into faceless beings of whom once were essential to a routine of a robotic life. But had not that great effect on me in comparison with the Firefly.

A link of a story was once blasted one day of last week. And as I recalled, one of them readers wast touched too deep in her heart by the prose of sibling love to extract a tear from an eye of a contradicting persona of a war-freaked-frivol. I inquired of the person beside me, a man of monotonous-unfeeling professional voice for technical support, and it had moved his soul as well. A redundancy of actions toward the Firefly. I, on the other hand, felt absolutely nothing, not a pierce of the smallest pin to burst the saps in my eyes. And apparently, I am a mountain of a burden to be moved by the story.

Yes, I have that knowledge of myself turning into that of what are ordinarily seen as lifeless dolls, but which I otherwise see a spark of life in them, greater than the faceless, whizzing, blurred figures that greet and pass by my everyday life.

I would like to sleep. But I lay awake, hollow and tight-lipped as any one of them dolls.

so 20 days later....

2009-03-28T00:41:00.000-07:00

I am reminded that this needs resuscitation. Yes, I am still alive. And while the rest of me still cowers at the sound of sentimental songs and shattered love affairs, not to mention momentous encounters with delirium, there is still yet another part of me that is still sane enough to move life onwards. For that I am inclined to create yet another blog that is less tormenting, more sensible but still has a tad of queerness, which of course is the trademark of yours truly. I am hopeful to accomplish such proposal. Hopeful being the key word.

With regard to recent life-altering experiences... Well, there are not any. The only one I can truly think of at the moment is relishing on the fact that Intensity has not calculated the solution of my non-algebraic puzzle. Seriously Intensity, there are no X and Y's in it. If you would truly ponder on such puzzle, you already have the solution. It is merely recalling how you got to it (which I think you will soon rediscover).

Which reminds me, the Firefly has already updated her web lair. It had brought me to a conclusion that her DSL connection has already been restored. How I smiled at that fact. But then I was proven wrong. Oh well.

Reiterating what I might have said in a previous entry, my life is rather a humdrum without the theatricals. Too much of a humdrum actually that I resort to reading novels of romantic frustrations. So let me get back to my reading.

A Letter for Someone

2009-03-08T03:12:00.000-07:00

Would you believe me if I said I was still waiting for tomorrow? The one that we've planned on the day before you were supposed to leave. Would you believe that I'm still hurting? And no matter how much I try to recover, the pain still recurs. It's taking me more and more people to replace that unique spark that I found in you.

Did I chase you off? I recalled a few that would have caused you to do so. I know how you're sensitive about things like that. I apologize, truly. You're visit rattled me too much that I was caught in the middle of different emotions. There was no time for me to compose myself and feel what was happening. We only had a few hours. Was it enough for you to leave so soon? But I was still grateful to have seen you at least.

I was meaning to express my apologies for the past. Haven't you noticed how your life seemed to have screwed up when I'm in it? I have. I blame my selfishness and for the cruelty it caused your life. I was meaning to tell you when we met, but I saved it for the next day. I regretted that. I can only hope that you can read this one day.

I blame my selfishness for a lot of things that didn't happen that day and on those few days before we met. I am so sorry. I wish I could have gone to you sooner. I wish I didn't hesitate. I wish for a lot of things that could have prevented all these regrets I have now.

I do wish that you're okay and that everything is well with your life. I still stand by what I said in the past, that no matter how down or how disheartened you feel, please always remember that there's still one soul who cares for you. And if only I had all the means to get to where you are just to ease your pain, I will do so.

Thank you for taking the time to see me. I would forever be grateful to have met a person like you in this lifetime.

Please always take good care of yourself. I will find myself dispirited if you are otherwise.

And so... I am It.

2009-02-20T01:08:00.000-08:00

So there dear Intensity. I may not have followed your rules of tagging for there are no lies or points of falsity in this list of trivia. And despite how inadequate the number may be, it is still complete. The rest of it just needs to be dug up, which I daresay is pretty easy to find. And my apologies, for I will not tag anyone because it is unnecessary unless redundancy is sought for.

1. I've always believed that the end of the world would be on the day the Mayans have predicted. And for that, I linger in uncertainty on whatever else should be done with life.

2. I "disappear". For some reason, being in one place, doing just a few tasks , being with the same faces on a certain period of time can trigger my insanity. And for that, I will just suddenly leave and not be in touch until after a few years or even more.

3. I hate unwanted visitors in the house. They make me feel like I'm a prisoner of my own home.

4. It is difficult to cope with my anger/ annoyance/ fury/ irritation. These are emotions that would be vented out on anyone who is present in case it's too great to withhold. Although it doesn't last long. I usually just give myself time to simmer down alone.

5. Because of a recent life-altering event that occurred sometime last year, I still see people as if they're moving mannequins. They are faceless, meaningless bodies and rarely do their faces register in my mind. Those that I see in the shops' displays look more human to me. But there are several exceptions to that. They are the people who were mentioned and/or linked to this blog.

6. The on-going economic recession is one of the main reasons why I cannot submit my resignation letter.

7. There's a nagging pain on my leg. Don't fret if I limp.

8. I have a mole at the very center of my chest. You might have seen it during those days when I have the nerve to wear a top with a low neck line.

9. I'm starting to think that this tagging sh*t is stupid. But I cherish my friends and if they think this is fun, so be it. Punished are those who find these as nonsense, but are still tagged anyway. *toink*

10. One effective way of getting myself to sleep is playing one song over and over. It doesn't really matter what genre of a song it is. (for a minute there i was singing that song from linkin park.... it doesn't really matter how hard you try, keep that in mind.....)

11. I would like the whole of my back tattooed. Well at least a big part of it. But yeah, something else is preventing me from getting one. *sigh*

12. I don't think I'll drink margarita again. And oh, while we're at that subject, I find Red Horse better-tasting now than San Mig Light. But I'd still trade anything for champagne. And yeah, I am whole-heartedly trying to quit drinking by the way. I can't seem to let smoking go though.

13. Lastly... Despite how high my pride is, and how I strive to do things my way, I still truly appreciate chivalry.

Impossible Dreams

2009-02-14T17:51:00.000-08:00

And because I was told to dream yesterday, I thought of one.

Nice bag, eh? A laptop and a camera bag all in one back pack. Price ain't that nice though. It's almost on the 5 digit mark when converted to our local currency. And I still have to purchase a nice camera too. I already have a laptop (which is now officially mine last February 3, 2009) that I love so dearly. Which reminds me, I haven't given this a name yet. I will have to think of one later on (yes, we name our personal things).

So I guess the next dream would be the camera. A DSLR camera. The thought made an involuntary back track.

Year 2007. Bug's era. We were both taking our second degrees. I was the only one with stable income. He was in need of a camera for his degree and we were barely even groping for funds to purchase one. We agreed to share the expense for it's cost. But having the demanding expenses from my degree at that same time, it proved to be a rather difficult path. When I found another career opportunity with a profit that benefited both of our worlds, I was able to save enough and answered my part of our bargain. The type of job was sadly against my health and school matters so I was forced to stop at Basic. The following year still encountered difficulties, which included aspects in our relationship, and the dream was almost kaput.

Present time. In the process of planing to get my own gadgets, I found out that the dream has finally been achieved. Bug has now purchased a kit. He now owns a Nikon d60 with an 18-55mm vr lens, an sb400 flash, and a 35mm f2.8 prime lens. There went a great big sigh of relief after gaining that knowledge. It felt like a big thorn was taken out from my chest. Whew!

So I guess now I have to buy a Nikon too (so we can borrow his lenses, haha!).

I am now left to ponder on my own goals. While others have their dreams being fulfilled, I on the other hand, am anchored to the base of uncertainty. Do not get me wrong, however. I do long to have particulars that of a materialistic mind can think of. But then again, impracticality aside, all of those would be useless.

I remember, I was once invited to one of those network marketing business, which by the way I now totally despise. I watched the person who invited me try to convince me to join as she asked her first question.

Do I have dreams?

Uh. I was stumped. I guess I don't.

She tried to force the answers out as she rephrased the question.

Okay, think stupid, what are your dreams?, I thought.

She probed further, now somehow confused if I was getting the question or not.

"Uh... to graduate?", I answered.

And so she exasperatedly dropped a hint if I ever wanted a car or a house.

Yes, even I am still laughing at myself so I beg you to laugh with me. Poor woman didn't get my humor though. She didn't get my interest either as I debunked each idea offered to me that might qualify as my dream. I didn't want a car because I prefer taking public transportation to get to my destination. I didn't want a house either because I didn't know what to do with it at the age of 16. I didn't want to live alone and if you saw me back then, I looked like I was in grade school instead of a college student. And what good will that do to me aside from giving an open invitation to robbers. Anyway, I never saw that woman again.

So recently I checked and asked myself if those said things can now qualify as my dream. Seemed that I had to double check because I had to get another person's opinion about it. Dear big Bwudder was there to the rescue. And what I got from what we talked about, one dreams to attain convenience in life. It would generally make it easier.

But convenience has a price as well. I'm not speaking of the value one returns to get it. It's the effect it would have on our environment and our society. And while most of the people around the world pollute our air because of what their vehicles emit, as well as taking in consideration how overpriced gasoline feeds the economical imbalance of the moneyed and the impoverished, not to mention how they waste on more than enough resources to build up extravagant, impractical, selfish humongous homes that eventually become lifeless, useless houses , I on the other hand would ditch convenience for practicality while my lifestyle still permits. Because heck, look around us and tell me what you see. I only see issues on global economic crisis, global warming and whatever problems that has the word global in it.

*sigh*

But I guess that day will come when I will dream of having a car but one that can run on carbon monoxide and change it to oxygen as I drive on. And a house that is entirely solar and lunar powered, also having the ability to purify water that was used in it. So while nothing has come up of that yet, I guess I will better dream on. Or at least dream of smaller, attainable things.

Trifles

2009-02-13T17:14:00.000-08:00

Twenty Four Twelve - 65 Days Of Static

Here's a question.

Would you or would you not have a relationship or get eternally committed with a person because you have unintentionally welcomed another life in this world with the said individual?

what an inquiry to think of on this day! you see, i got up early today after dozing off half a time of an earth's rotation. (and boy did my head hurt when I awoke!) i watched TV while eating breakfast. uh-huh you read that right. i watched TV. but none of them local channels. i watched Jack and C/S and HBO. when i got to HBO, Knocked Up was about to show. Found the trailer quite interesting. It was about a girl getting pregnant over a one night stand (with a sleazy dirt bag). The movie wasn't quite enticing as I thought it would be. but it sent my mind running back to certain instances of my life in the said situation either having me or any of my friends as the main character. The situation had always had a result of fear and uncertainty. Signs of immaturity, irresponsibility and obviously inconsideration of the future were all present. Questions arose on how to go about life, how to contact the other soon-to-be-parent, how to break the news. The stumpers just went on. The only sign that was good was that of the first few drops of the cycle women monthly undergo. Gratefully, the said sign was encountered in every situation except one. That friend of mine is now happy with her son after going through a time of hell. everything is now alright for her. I haven't seen her in a while though but I pray that they're both doing well.

anyway... I'm guessing after last night and tonight, there might be a ton of women that would go through the same dilemma. But when they get to that point of either disappointment or relief from a negative result of a test, the eventual realization will come and thus the sign of maturity.

============================
By the way, if you're interested....

My sister is selling some of her CDs that she hasn't even opened yet. To anyone who's interested, just leave a comment. No one visits this anyway so I doubt it. But because I love my sister, here goes....

Nine Inch Nails

The Fragile

2 CD, Sealed

Cradle of Faith

Nymphetamine, 2CD

Special Edition, VG cond.

============================
*sigh* stuff from Intensity. haha!

But as I've said, I've answered this before. If only I can force her to wake up and let her do this. she'll give you different answers from the previous instance when I got tagged. But here goes.

How many should there be anyway?

1. I've always believed that the end of the world would be on the day the Mayans have predicted. And for that, I linger in uncertainty on whatever else should be done with life.

2. I "disappear". For some reason, being in one place, doing just a few tasks , being with the same faces on a certain period of time can trigger my insanity. And for that, I will just suddenly leave and not be in touch until after a few years or even more.

3. I hate unwanted visitors in the house. They make me feel like I'm a prisoner of my own home.

4. It is difficult to cope with my anger/ annoyance/ fury/ irritation. These are emotions that would be vented out on anyone who is present in case it's too great to withhold. Although it doesn't last long. I ususally just give myself time to simmer down alone.

Hmm... I have to stop there. Something else contradicts the facts that I think of. So I'm doubting if they are even facts. I don't know who to tag either. From what I know there are only 3 other people who know this page.

============================

Weakening Confines of Dementia

2009-02-09T03:31:00.000-08:00

Almost losing my words. Her mind's getting greater by the day, I get moments of her thinking and I have to take control by force. I believe I will have to go soon. Will need change badly, anything sudden or unpredictable. Something to let her sleep. Let her dream some more. Times that I wish Fahrenheit was here. He can bring me back and keep my eyes open. But he's not here. No wonder the difficulty to cope.

Itsy Bitsies

2009-02-07T01:16:00.000-08:00

Can almost feel it coming. Supplies are flooding in and still searching for others. That's one reason an entry was made about it. A medium too difficult to tame will be the main means of expression. How I wish I knew how to stretch my own canvass. That would be more cost-effective. I will probably have to go to Quiapo for supplies of better quality but of cheaper prices. Or maybe that big store near UST. Bookstores are just so over-priced when it comes to paraphernalia like that compared to the ones in artist's haven.

Must think of something to do real quick or I'm gonna lose it soon.
========================
So I went Stumbling after approximately 6 months of not doing so. I almost forgot how fun it is to do. And damn! I can't believe that this browser add-on is also part of this month's marketing strategy of driving me insane!

So here's what I found so far....

A Smitten. Ugh! Another impractical product to be purchased by love bugs. It is actually 2 mittens sewn together so that you and your love can still hold hands and feel each others skin underneath this heart-shaped, knitted, two-holed sack while still getting your hands warm. Yeah incredibly sweet but too impractical.

The three overly used words in 10 different languages. Uhm. Okay. If there were no words to hear or to say, how will you express it? And for crying out loud! It maybe sweet but sheesh! It doesn't do justice to the language. Not to mention that the other person won't even understand what you're saying unless you say the meaning. Lame.

I stopped stumbling after that. Will probably do so again once March comes in.
========================

Eew... Love Month

2009-02-05T01:45:00.000-08:00

14 Empty - The Cranberries

In any case, the melody of the song doesn't sound so sad. Would you call that progress? Maybe so.

Uh-huh. It is love month. And while people go gaga over receiving tokens of exaggerated sweetness from others who either truly are infatuated/"in-love" with them or others who are just going with the popularity of the event, I worry of the ants that gormandize on it. Because it stings the brokenhearted lot, as I have said to dear Intensity. Everything that has something to do with the 14th day of this month are all crap, except that it would boost up the economy as people would start purchasing presents of impracticality and book reservations that would eventually lead to a f*ck fest. All these made known to every irritating way of marketing most businesses can think of. Yes, obviously it's starting to drive me crazy. I'm even already starting to find a bucket of ice to freeze my heart cold over the schmaltz of this season. Beer anyone? No margarita's please.

My apologies to who ever is reading and has the same sentiments of the norm. I am not a fan of Valentine as you can see. Gah!

=================================

"Babaero yun!", she said.

My eyes were opened when she-who-bosses-around mentioned it. She was pertaining to the officemate who will be leaving for Guatemala tomorrow at 11am, the one I've taken interest with. It was funny because it felt like all the key points flashed through me like a stack of cards that you shuffle in a certain way for a span of a few seconds.

"Ganon talaga pag di mo pa nakikita ang tunay mong mahal", I answered.

I was surprised with my retort as well. Uh.. yeah. You can say that I'm one of the female counterparts of the said accusation. Well not until I've met *Fahrenheit. So now I have no one. I am still to make a decision if I will find someone else to take his place. It's rather difficult for I know that I will still see him when I look at whoever is the next one, feel his warmth instead of the other's physical embrace, and so on and so forth. (Sheesh spare the mush!) It is just...so ... ignoble. I am not ready yet.

(dear Firefly, skip below paragraph please)

Makes me wonder what it would feel like to just have one person to have liked and loved during a whole lifetime. It would be mind-blowing if you found the right one at the right time and spend every breathing moment with him/her. A rarity, a treasure. Wouldn't that be nice? But then again there would be the big what if. Because someone else would come along and you'll gain knowledge that it was supposed to be that person. But it was just too late. Now wouldn't that be a melancholy?

(dear Firefly, since you insist, don't blame me if I've provoked your curiosity)

*Yes, I have now given the guy who's in Canada a code name to avoid confusion.

=================================

Something to celebrate the month with
Buy anything for each of your love
Like do what I might plan to do....
Buy a quill for my love of writing.
Buy anything that's in a tint or shade of violet for the love of the hue
Buy a big, plump, soft feathered pillow for my love of its cushiony, comforting feel
Buy a new pair of shoes for my love of walking
Buy a new pair of glasses for my love of seeing everything in a clear vision
Smug Messy!

*messy sings* emptiiiheeee iiiheeee iiheeee iiiieeee
aaahahahahaha!

Micturating!

It Hits Me Later On

2009-02-04T00:03:00.000-08:00

Silence please. Your deliriousness doesn't want to be heard.

But yes, her voice was unexpected and it filled the air. It was just too quick that I had to stop and think who just spoke. It was my lips that moved and my chords that vibrated. But that short span of a moment can't be remembered except of how odd the voice sounded like. It sounded so.... timid. I wonder if the little boy driving the car next to me noticed it. I tried to speak again, but found that it was now my own.

Individuality is taking place. Hopefully, control can still be maintained.

===================================

".... a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood clinically referred to as mania or, if milder, hypomania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These episodes are usually separated by periods of "normal" mood, but in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling." - Wiki

Hmm... Episodes. The last episode can't be remembered. It could have already been years. But yes, episodes did occur, if that's what they call it.

It wasn't very pleasant. It didn't feel nice. The emotions are indescribable. I was appreciative of the walls that hid me from the world while I cringed and rocked myself in comfort. And far more grateful of the doors on my cabinets and old, hardened paint that scattered inside it. I painted whatever there was to see and feel. So yes, art will always be there so as not to endure another one of those moments.

How'd I found out? It was he who told me. He had noticed how I'd have numerous responses to his inquiries among other things. Not to mention how explanations would still come after that as if I were in monologue. I remember.... He counted, got irritated and asked me annoyingly if I had the disorder. I shut up then.

And so I found that. Realized that it might be true. He was pulling my leg, it turned out. So I wonder, where the "episodes" came from and why I suffered such moments? But I will not have myself diagnosed. I am fine.

===================================

She said, "There's always tomorrow."

But tomorrow never comes, I thought to myself.

The day after today is going to be our the 88th tomorrow. Useless waiting.

There is something else for tomorrow actually...

I have again grown accustomed to his comforting presence. And although he, like the others, still comes up like a mannequin whizzing by in a heap of blurred vision at the corners of my eyes, it now leaves an impression. It is to my relief that I still can catch a few glimpses of it on the onset of our newly shifted work schedules. Although I found out earlier today that tomorrow is unfortunately his last day in the work place and will be on a business trip to Guatemala till the 25th of March.

It's not a liking that I've gained for him, but more of just an interest that triggers curiosity to his everyday activities, mannerisms, reactions toward different situations, stuff like that. There's just something. It's not a similarity of interest with a stalker's mind either, oh no. Believe it or not, I didn't "stalk" this one over the net. And while I or the other is in motion, the impression is unnoticeable. On the other hand, the interest arises when both of us are still and my attention is solely watching him move... Oh... One moment, I believe I got it. It's similar to the feeling of an artist taking interest on a new subject, if it is merely a front that he's seeing or if there something deeper in its meaning. Like... phenomenology! How exciting!

Remnants of a Swaying Evening

2009-01-31T20:24:00.000-08:00

Congratulate me. Because after dreaming of crawling towards home, forgetful of an eventful drinking session, all slurry with a matching contorted face, I finally was almost able to have done so last night. There must be really someone else in this body of mine. Because while I think and type this entry away, my vision still goes in circles and I can still feel the urge to empty out the insides of me. Sheesh, I am even still mindful of my grammar.

So last evening. 3 hours of singing, a piece of chicken and half a bottle of beer. And we hopped. A bad tasting beer and a glass of margarita. The margarita was bad tasting as well. Hopped again. And...... oh f*ckin' yeah..... a whole lot of bodies, dancing and sweat. Not to mention 2 more margaritas. Managed to find a table and cushiony seats. Managed to break one of the glasses and cut a bit of my skin. Managed to not hear anything or feel anything but I can still remember the dance steps Quinty had thought of. Plus the integrated ones Big Bwudder and his/her Exuberance at the end. She, on the other hand, was tired. So I wondered. Did she enjoy the night? It was mostly for her. I was thinking she might go overboard. But as usual it was me who did. Apparently I'm still trying to break in.

After stumbling home, I went straight to bed. Surprisingly, I woke up with a smile on my face. I was expecting to find someone beside me because it felt like heaven. Reality bit then. He was back in Canada. Emptiness. Sheesh. I am over this. It's just that when I remember, it still hurts.

I Can Laugh Now

2009-01-21T02:26:00.000-08:00

Yep. Read that right. I'm starting my climb over acceptance. I need more chalk for this. Not much rocks to hang on to yet. Seems that the Firefly is already up there waiting for me too, super glue ready to twist open. Oh wait, I think it's rugby I'm smelling. That can get me faster to the top. Lol!

Yeah, that's a joke. I can joke more often now, getting back to my nutty state once again. Not to mention my hair's starting to get messier as it grows.

I'm pretty much boring without the drama. This is usually the time when she kicks in. But we'll see how long I can stay as is.

I can worry about other things now. I don't flood the dust mites' homes on my pillow anymore, not that there are any. 'Cause they all drowned during the era similar to when the Great Flood occurred. Or its because the vacuum is currently my best friend here at home. It's so good at sucking dirt that I think the sorrow went with it along with them pitiful mites. Count Perwoll and Phillips as my closest friends here as well. They make my clothes look great. But I never thought they can tire me with such simple tasks that make use of them.

It almost feels light. Something to do with the weather I guess. I like this weather. It's nice to be outside and feel the warmth. Let me harness this joy while it lasts.

oh shoot. this is me. ahaha! how peculiar!

Phemenology of Love's Aftermath

2009-01-18T17:47:00.000-08:00

I'm still staring in the of pot water as it boils to nothingness.

Looking back and putting the pieces together, I believe I considered myself rather fortunate. God - or Whoever the Supreme Being is out there that makes the world tick inspite of our decisions- does answer prayers. I guess He/She still has a liking for me after all. Who would have thought that after disobeying one of the commandments (if they were actually truly real), that the person whom I'd violated the rule with would still make a comeback - although not for eternity... yet. Pardon the side tracking of words, I am finally braving the past events without tears or fury, and eventually, not to mention hopefully, understand. Or at least try to.

I may not fully remember the details, but years ago I've met my Bob if I were Charlotte. Like him, he was - and eventually became "used to be" - married. But considering the then situation, I stood by as a friend. Being an arrogant youngster, I told myself I will withstand whatever pain it would bear. It proved to be difficult, my nemesis. It was something to endure for falling with the wrong person. I have yet to find an answer why he came into my life. Anyway, I believed the love to be a one way thing. Because he had no knowledge of what I was feeling. Or so I thought.

Time went by with significant events that took place. He got separated.Filed for divorce. Got a new girlfriend. I, on the other hand, just stood by as all these, among other things, happened. Yes, I know. For a person who loves someone who doesn't love the other back, that was just a major bludgeon. If I remember correctly it was the time when he had a second girlfriend that he confessed his love. Not for the said girl but for me. For all those years, he said. But what did I say? Oh dear me declined! I remember how he got infuriated then. He demanded to know that he was not the only one feeling this.

I broke. My walls that covered the truth crumbled. Hell, I was keeping it to myself for years and the fact that he'd had others... I just got frustrated then so I told him. He had an effing girlfriend for crying out loud how was I supposed to say it? Yes, I love you too? That I loved you the first few moments when we spoke the very first time? And yes he said, he loved me then too.

So much for thinking that it was one way.

He broke it off with his then girlfriend. Doing so made me realize, if I was the impetus imp for his divorce? He assured me I wasn't. The way he said it made me feel otherwise. I didn't want to be a cause of complications. He knew that.

Months flew by. Just months. His life went to shreds. I knew I was causing it, I was driving him insane because of the distance between us. I gradually left what we had behind. We eventually lost contact. I should have left the moment I knew he was tied. But regrets are useless.

Looking towards the future was agony. A couple of years went by but it was pretty much hollow. Fate had been good to me still. My life filled with a lot of things to focus on to get myself out of distress. Got a second degree. I resigned from my first job. Got a second job, that was with a pretty good pay too. Found a good guy to spend some time with. Had a lot of projects to create plans for. My days were so full that I couldn't even sleep properly which I was grateful for so as to prevent from seeing him in my dreams. Pain simply didn't have enough force to squeeze into my life and was left ignored.

2008. The year had turned to one of the worst yet. Lost a lot of things. The second job seemed to have just been a disguise of a good opportunity. Savings was almost down to nothing. Couldn't find another job. Was being forced to study another degree. Was being forced to practise what I didn't want in life. Lost that certain connection with the guy I was with. Lost my passport. Lost most of my personal IDs. Lost my damn wallet (f*ck the bastard who stole it). I've already came to a conclusion on the very first month of that year that it was no good. But there were a few things that fate had granted me.

Midyear. A few days after my birthday, I found myself sitting on a rather bright red chair that offended my vision. I was literally asking myself what the hell was I doing there attending this God-forsaken industry's training yet again. Yes, I detested my very first line of work but I was back to the ever reliable high-paying simpleton of a job. But surprisingly, no matter how much I loathed the said function of the front-liner's, I found myself feeling at home. I found myself yet again grateful for fate to have put me in this place, this team, this group of people who had granted me months full of inner peace and heart's enlightenment.

I had to admit it was blissful. But amidst the euphoria was fear. I knew there was something bound to happen. There was a reason for this. There always was. And so a digress.

November. A ring. A lie. Fate didn't want this chance to just pass by. A second ring. A clarification. A night of flabbergasted silence. Just like that, I was reminded of the pain I worked so hard to ignore. You can't hide yourself from hurting it seems. I couldn't hide myself from someone whom I had mutual feelings with. He was out of town for a few days and while he was, we only relied on cellular phones. Finally a date.

All Soul's Day. We were to meet twice. That day before I went to work and then the morning after my shift. The latter never occurred, the reason why I'm full of regrets. But again, they're just useless triggers of pain. There was no time for proper farewells. No chance to see him go. Not even a minute to hear his voice once more. He was simply gone.

And so I write this. I am now staring at the stains left by the water. What did I find? Nothing.

Well, only stains. Karma maybe one I guess. He lost me before, I lost him now. But thinking about it more, I've never really had him. Was I good enough to have been granted a moment with him again? Was it closure that the fates were looking for between us. I did look for it but instead got something more on the contrary. Perhaps he was the one looking for it. Has he found it? Gawd, after all this time, I still worry if he'd had his share. And maybe it's my time to enthrall in insanity for he had served his time in it. I was crazy long before I even met him. No need for me to wallow on how to come back to reality.

Or should I now have the inclination - or obligation - to find him? I don't know where to look to begin with. And while I engross myself in the deeper recesses of my mind, I find a clue. Kitchener, Ontario. Fate does have it's ways. But it seems that doing the right thing feels better this time. At this point, it feels okay to just live my life and hope for the best. He had his ways of finding me, he can still find ways to do so again. We may still cross paths imminently. Perhaps.

What's the conclusion then? I have no idea. I will have to add more water in the pot. And despite having the remnants of unanswered questions and unsatisfied wanting, I appear to be just fine. It's the the transcendence of having another mind for reasoning. Unconsciously, and later on being realized, I do and plan things that might have associated with my Bob. Our lives may still be intertwined in some way. But for now, I will try not to look into it too much.

While I opt out what to do next, knowing that he's alive and okay is good enough for me. For now at least. And believe me he is. So I smile.

10cm by 10cm

2009-01-13T02:50:00.000-08:00

*edit edit edit... yeah aside from saving drafts i'm crazy over correcting my work. *

I was reading through old entries posted on the other side. I couldn't help but laugh because dear Intensity was reading through all of the drama, mushiness, stupidity and what-nots of my life. I was again reminded of the past as he abraded the insanity back to my fish-like of a brain. What's fascinating is that it didn't bring much pain as it had before. So it's safe to say that I was already downhill from the peak of depression, getting safely at the beginning of another progression to acceptance. That feels just... okay. And okay is good. For now at least.

======================

The Firefly

I never expected to see one. She was just flying by like any other but her wings were strong enough to even fight the most turbulent winds. Her glow wasn't too transparent when my sun still shone. But when darkness fell, there she was with the greatest of luster. She beamed effortlessly. I know you're striving to show me my sun back. Till then, you're light will keep my sanity.

======================

Break In...

Let's see how far in the past I can face while I'm believing that the worst is over. Here goes...

Nov 2008...

Hello was the first word I've heard. The voice was inquiring inspite of just responding to mine, hopeful but I couldn't recognize it. Somewhere inside of me I knew that I should know who it was. Someone's looking for me. I was rattled. I had to stop and think. Deception was one of my greatest abilities and so I said for him to wait. Wait. All we did was wait, and we've been waiting for years. I held the handset to prevent him from hearing me. I looked at the caller id device and found the number was local. Cold. I felt cold. Too cold I forgot that my father was present. I was caught offguard when he asked who it was. I told him and his memory didn't fail this time. It was the same caller as the other night he said. But I was at work. Exasperation could have been the only clear emotion on my face but again I'm quite deceptive. I was too frozen to even ask why my father didn't even inform me. I went back and said hello once more. He called my name, still having the same tone as earlier, inquiring and hopeful. I couldn't bring myself to say his name because by that time, all I can remember was the pain that we've gone through. And for that I was trying to sound stubborn, to sound cold. He didn't waste any time - because as I've found out later on, we didn't have much of it - and asked if we could see each other. By that time, I couldn't remember which one was a stronger hit on the head, that question or that time when I slipped and landed head first on the floor. There were so many memories that started going through my head, so many feelings that I've started to remember. I didn't know what I had to say. He asked if I had work that night. I lied. I wasn't ready to face him. Not just yet. He asked for my number then. I'm such full of crap. I said I didn't memorize my number. I asked for his. He said the same thing, although I knew he meant it. He asked for my ym id instead, said he'll leave an offline message for his number. I gave the wrong one. We hung up. Rattled. Shocked to the bone. I couldn't believe what just happened. To distract me, I just went ahead and washed the dishes. Another ring after several minutes. I knew it was him. He just gave me his number. Okay, i said. I must admit that the thought of not contacting him passed through my mind. I had all the intention of ignoring what happened. I can be heartless like that.

Why was I such a moron? You're an idiotic, irrational, unfeeling little bitch Izz! Ugh... so much for breaking in. I'm still tumbling down the slope.

Inches

2009-01-11T19:31:00.001-08:00

Maybe I can laugh and I can joke around. And I will keep on finding whatever else it is that would make me feel whole. But nothing would exceed you. I may have neglected most of our mutual memories but I will always keep those last moments with you no matter how much pain it will cost me when I remember.

Instances...

2009-01-11T03:51:00.000-08:00

It's funny how you sometimes remember things that you think you've forgotten.

Earlier today, I was thinking of a design for a tattoo because I was meaning to get my art punctured on to my back. While I entertained my mind with collaborations of past and un-vented artwork, a past suddenly shot through me, with it was a tug on the heart.

He showed me a website once. It was his friend's. It exhibited the intricate needle work of a tattoo artist. It was just celestial to me. I told him I wanted one. The notion angered him. He told me to stick to henna.

*sigh*

I don't know whether to immerse in dolefulness or laughter.

==============================

Pardon the sentimentality...

I remember when I was in his embrace it would always feel so right. I felt comforted and warm, like it was the only place in this world where I should be. On that last time, he asked me to look at him but I couldn't. I left my head to rest on his shoulder. He asked why but I couldn't answer. I wish I had. But it's too late now.

I wanted to say that I was afraid that he'll vanish. I thought I was dreaming because I couldn't believe that we were together. I was afraid that it would be the last time. Well, it turned out it was.

I eventually looked at him anyway. I remember how his eyes would always look like he's smiling. But the last time I looked meaningfully, he was preventing the tears to spill but it still had that same beam. That memory still pains me. I could have told him everything at that moment, I could have held him in my arms and returned that same warmth. But I was a coward and told myself to save it for tomorrow before he left. It was a bad move. The worst move that I've ever decided actually.

That happened more than two months ago. Would you believe that there's still a bit of hope in me thinking that tomorrow would come? How crazy is that?

==============================

Hollow...

Let me stand still. I'm running out of words. No. I have a lot of drafts stashed away unrelentingly saved. It just seems meaningless most of the time. It's rather absurd. Here I am living each day, looking fine in front of other people but cringing when left without company. I do try to feel life's bliss but it feels nonetheless empty the moment I realize it's almost guileless.

Inevitable Workplace Distractions

2009-01-02T23:12:00.000-08:00

Code Name: Distraction

I confess that this person has not actually left an impression on me. But his existence did leave a significant imprint on my brain despite failing to recognize his face every time I "see" him in the office (his face seems to change in every instance that I notice him). If it were not for his shortcomings during the first day of the company's sports fest of this year, I would have been unaware that there was a person such as H***** T********. But I quote my teammate who had quote it from someone else, "out of sight, out of mind". I haven't seen him for quite some time now, and honestly I just don't give a damn anymore.

=============================

I am just absolutely in awe about this hime. I haven't met a person quite like her. An amazing person in her entirety, she leaves me speechless with her resilience. And were it not for that won't I have survived this era till the point of my renaissance (though I'm not quite there yet, I have no knowledge if I have started that road either). She's my solid ground and had almost seen me break down. But as always, I had my ways of control. There simply is no means to express my gratitude for this strong girl.

Was introduced to his website a couple of months ago I guess, but not until recently have I only felt grateful for that knowledge. It has by far served as the greatest diversion, having not only my utmost interest in his posts but also in the content of the web pages linked to his own. It seems that he will need to count me as one of his blog's aficionados (no pressure meant of course). I can only lend him books to show my appreciation, though I haven't found the latest one that he wants to borrow... yet.

He who knows almost all of my darkest secrets as a result of becoming one of my greatest drinking buddies. He has enough cushion to absorb some of the shocks in my life so no worries (no offense meant if you're reading this. that's another name for you then, shock absorber. hehehe). He however is starting to feel like one of them big brothers that I've never had. I look up to this guy and he has earned my deepest respects.

Has given me enough responsibilities of which I do and do not appreciate. Nonetheless, it has succeeded on the purpose of keeping my mind elsewhere in the duration of time I spent at the work place. I do not care much for responsibilities. I despise them in earnest. Were it not for the cause of looking for diversions would I take it all up and swallow it whole-heartedly. Well, that is not entirely true. I also honestly care for my team. I would fight fate itself just to have this team as it is for as long as destiny would permit.

I raise my white flag to this guy. If I were to crawl home because of bleary vision, of slurred words, of liver failure, of dragging feet and of retched breathe, to the point of a failing and redundant memory as a result of over-drinking , I still would like to have this guy by me as I inch and grovel my way home. I simply trust this guy with my life. Like the big bwudder, he has earned my deepest respects. He is one responsible rascal, a little boy who's tactics can be amusing but at the same time a reliable eminent in times of stern instances. He is one of my main targets for candid snapshots. He is a combo of so many things that his presence alone can harness the attention of all persons in me despite not comprehending who to be as when left with just his existence. I am clueless as what hardships this guy has gone through and whatever those were, I will always admire how he hangs on to life and enjoy every moment it can give him.

For his exuberance goes beyond the workplace, it lingers as we head our way home and in rare occasions even starts up my day. There's never a dreary moment in his company. And I've never really seen him in a sullen mood despite of what he says. I do have to admit that his presence is sorely missed during major,even minor, let's just say everyday team events. He is one who is a significant vigor of the whole. Another who's candids I look forward to taking pictures of.

If there's a big bwudder, he's the younger one. It is quite amusing to watch his actions for he is absolutely transparent and stands for what he believes in. He simply just lives his life to the fullest in whatever way he thinks is best for him and other people's perspective don't matter but his ways don't offend them a bit. He is one whom you'll think would glare every time but he is merely just observing. He is one who thinks deeply but enjoys little things in life. Currently at a loss of words for him but he is just... Quintessential...

=============================

Distractions serve as excuses of the mind to keep from reminiscing. But the volume of pain is directly proportional to the period of time spent ignoring it. It floods once the past is harked back to. So maybe I should not be preventing myself from remembering.

I'm beginning to feel weary of this. But how do you keep from hurting?

Another Lugubrious New Year's Eve

2008-12-31T03:02:00.000-08:00

Back Track

I remember it well. It was two years ago. Convinced myself that it didn't matter if I immersed myself supporting other losers having problems with their computers that night. It proved to be depressing. And while the skies sparkled with colors, I was there in front my computer starting to feel the regret of even existing for the reason of having the decision to be where I was. I soon took back the iniative of the emotion. Because after a very long time of losing contact (and still being the hopeful that I was then), I've heard from him again. It was such a nice surprise for the new year...

That era's long gone now, but the recent events made me back track to the memories. So a couple of years later, I found myself on the same drizzling night. But as fate permitted, I didn't have to stick up to those losers again. Sadly, there are no surprises either.

=================================

No Quotations Please

Yeah, got quoted the other day I think... that could have sent me running to one of the cubicles. The only place where I can find privacy in the workplace and drown myself in tears. I can't believe I still can't control that portion of my brain when it comes to that. Damn the strength! Damn the sanity! Damn the pride! They're all bluffs of a weakened spirit! I've told him once before you know. I could be stronger than anyone he'd known, but I was easily broken once the spot was hit. I can be as unfeeling as the frozen but one chip can get it melting to drops beating down on windows till they give way. And so my hatred for trains got even worse. Because again, it was then when I was on the train when I felt my eyes were about to spill. I hate trains!

So like any other female, I buried myself into what we find as consolation in an attempt to make ourselves to feel better, shopping. I was only too grateful that I was actually heading to consolation haven. I wasn't able to buy anything though. Pfft. So much for consolation. But I've noticed something strange with my vision.

It's funny when I look at people, they all look the same. Despite how obvious the difference is in their physicalities, they all just whiz by, blurred, blank and unknown to me. And when I finally thought I found a person that struck me that I had to look twice to be sure that there was a spark, I find a mannequin. Faceless. Colorless. Meaningless. Yeah, real funny. Ha ha ha.... ha.

It's not. I'm beginning to feel lifeless.
================================

I'm starting to hear the fireworks. And if only each blast can be a shot to my brain, I'll be dead and happy, ridding myself of this world's offers of desolation for the human's too weak of a resistance for emotional pain. Maybe it should be to the heart. I've heard that it would still give a chance for your heart to beat a couple of more times if it's a blow to the brain. I'd like my death to be quick. I'll rest peacefully like that. Or.... that the blasts are actually the sounds of my body bursting numerous times from containing in too much of idiotic pain.

I'd like to keep to myself tonight and skip the festivities. I'd like to stay here, curled up in bed trying to let my blanket comfort me and have my pillow as a shoulder to cry on. Both serve as silencers for the weeping.

Anyway, at this point, there is only the unknown ahead. I used to always see some signs at least on what's to come. I just hope 2009 is gonna be better, somehow.

Distractions

2008-12-25T21:58:00.000-08:00

Art doesn't do the trick anymore. The outcome is always a result of my misery. Looking at it would only remind me of the afflictions. I was meaning to depend it on sports though. Badminton doesn't seem to be enough. Surfing was the next choice but being as I am, one blow of the wind may just knock me off the board. I'm not a strong swimmer either. Which brought swimming to mind. However, with this weather I might just get pneumonia. I am opting for a third degree instead. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But I'm seriously running out of ideas.

Tell me, am I at the beginning of the road to getting better? I might just be starting to have the cogency to get my memory to fail. Then a time will come when the pain would suddenly land a blow at me, as fate had always done. It's hard to admit it, but needing someone to help me move on might be a superb notion.

***********************************

Crying Yourself Out Sick

i don't like staying here at home. there are so many people, happy people at that. and i just want to cower at my own corner and cry myself out sick without anyone barging in on me asking me to do stuff. a good friend of mind mentioned once that there's always this stage in sorrow when you just have to cry it all out till you can't squeeze any more tears. why does it seem like i'm not running out of it? i've read it in romantic novels before, (yes, i read those at spurs) women crying and the guys would try to calm them down because the women might cry themselves sick. i was dubious at that idea, until it actually happened to me. yeah. sick right now, our manager at the office asked me earlier what had happened to me. we just went out with a few of our teammates the other night, enjoying the holidays as much as we can during our off days. and suddenly when i got to the workplace, i turn up sick. my answer to her inquiry though.... "i don't know". i can't say that, "oh, i cried too much last night." sheesh, what an answer. embarassing.

But yeah, the body would follow the heart's state eventually, sick and weak.

***********************************
notice how many i've been posting?
can't get out of bed you see.
so my computer's my best friend right now.
come to think of it, i haven't given this a name yet.
that's another thing to get my mind distracted.
***********************************
i can't decide whether i should go to our "xmas party" at work
or to have a good time here with the rest of my family since
my sister and her husband are coming home. either way, i'm
gonna risk myself getting worse. so yeah, if any of you guys
are reading this, i'll just be selfish right now and stay in bed,
i'll try to get myself better, physically at least.
***********************************

Hangman

I've never thought of ending the spark of creation in me despite the tribulation that I am in. But it started last week. I just got the news that I'll be suspended from work for three days. I might be up for termination too. I told Essie-hime about it. It felt like a good thing to happen too. At least I'll get a vacation from all the worse of this year's misfortune, I said. And anyway, it has already served it's purpose because I just got this work to pay my computer off. Then she mentioned that it might not be a good thing after all since they might just see me somewhere, dead with my head on a noose. We joked about that notion. But not till after Essie mentioned it did I get visions of little signs for an exit. I've started thinking what it would be like in the afterlife. Will I be a ghost hovering here on earth like an unsolved mystery? Or was there somewhere in this vast space of God's creation where my soul will be heading? If there was such thing as heaven and hell, I'm sure I'll go to the latter. I was the one at fault, I admit. But it would have been better if I see him again in heaven. Would God grant me that one glimpse to see him contented in heaven before the fires of hell would induce my pain redundantly ripping my soul for the rest of eternity? Well that's what it feels right now though. I wonder how worse hell is than that.

It doesn't matter. Funny thing though is, I feel like it's what's supposed to happen next. Or is it because I already feel dead. No, I don't feel that. But I do get the urge of having a rope tied around my neck for the past few days.

not-so miserable chirstmas i guess...

2008-12-24T11:10:00.001-08:00

I am running out of bodily fluids as well as soft, expensive, unscented packs of tissue, not to mention gaining this temporary contorted expression on my face yet again as I try to prevent drops from spilling on my keyboard. I wonder how many other people out there who are also having the same fit as I am. I hope there's not much. It is Christmas after all, a holiday that the lot of us do not technically celebrate but we do anyway because admit it, the season is contagious.

I don't know how I got through the night. I guess I am a actually a great pretender to have plastered a good smile on my face. And the soreness of my eyes were mistaken as drowsiness instead of a result of crying too much earlier. The food was enough distraction anyway. But as one of my friends mentioned in the past week, a happy stomach is a result of a happy heart. Too bad. I didn't eat much. It's a shame, the food was rather good.

I wanted to crawl back to bed after the festivities. But after realizing how long my relatives have not feasted their vision upon me, I decided to stay. I was hoping that being with them would be a distraction enough to get my mind out of misery. It worked somehow. I'm still grateful.

But when I came back here, it just starts all over again. I must admit it's becoming a drag. Though it just comes on it's own now. I couldn't even control it anymore. I wonder if I can still maintain the self-composed freak that I am outside this miserable shell of a shield.

"So for whatever it's worth, Merry Christmas to you and your family"
- Lio Loco

drafts recap....

2008-12-23T23:21:00.000-08:00

What Hurts the Most - Boyceavenue

In a few years time, I'll laugh at what I wrote,
that's for sure. It's so full of crap, I'll say.
But then, I'll feel the pain again.
And the tears will definitely roll down.

Get ready for drama....

11/12/08

we were never meant to have a happy ending.
we were never meant to forget.
that was our punishment for falling in love.
and i regret for even trying to pretend it never happened
-*-
i asked him once if we'll see each other before the end of the world.
i was worried then, about what the Mayan's foresaw
some people would have laughed at me, he didn't.
he assured me that we will. i smiled. although
we both knew there was a greater possibility that we won't have that chance.
-*-
hopes of a few hours, a few minutes
moments that could have meant so much
all has been taken away
-*-
All other things that reminded me of you were put away.
I was trying to forget you.
You were a past too painful to bear.
And out of nowhere, you came.
You came.
You came to see me, damn it!
I was too shocked.
There was not enough time to recover.
There simply wasn't enough time.
But we were together.
And I never felt so right.
Never again in my life till those moments.
Only moments with you.
I could have told you by then.
That I was sorry,
That I was grateful.
And, surprisingly, that I still loved you.
...
stop. it is still so painful.
give me a few moments to recover.
...
And I regret ever even trying to remove you from my past.
...
stop again. dear God, give me strength.
i need to face this.
...
I regret not kissing you back every time.
I regret not embracing you long enough.
Or embracing you once more when I saw that you were
holding back your tears.
I regret not holding your hand.
For looking away because I was too much of a coward
to face my own pain in your eyes.
I regret not coming to you when you asked me the first time.
You begged. I thought......
But you embraced me instead.
And God... God, how I felt your pain.
I wanted your pain to go away.
If I had the power, if only I had the power.
...
stop.
...
I had nothing to hold on to.
Nothing but for a few more moments that we were supposed to still have the next day.
I promised myself I'll tell you tomorrow.
I'm still waiting for tomorrow.
It's been 11 days and I'm still waiting.
...
this is so hard.
...
For a few hours, a few minutes, a few moments.
A glimpse of each other before you go.
Let me at least call you.
Hear a few minutes of your voice.
One ring. Two. Three. It went on.
And you were gone.
Just like that.
We were never meant to have a happy ending, did we?
Fate has granted us this last time.
But why would it rob us of that few moments?
I could have followed you to the airport.
We could have met on the way there.
Tuesday, you said.
We were even hoping for an extension.
But this?
It was too soon.
Too damned soon.
************************************************
11/13/08

Those moments.
Those are the only memories I have of you now.
It went by so fast.
No chance to savor it.
But they lingered.
It almost feels real when I remember.
You almost feel real.
When you crushed me against your warmth.
When you kissed me.
When you held on to me to the very last moments.
Like there was no tomorrow.
There was none after all.
Never for us.
Fate robbed us of our last hours.
Despite knowing how much we needed to see each other.
But we're used to that, aren't we?

Life has its ways of not getting us together.
We're back to the way we were.
About 13 hours.
More than 13000 kilometers.
But I swear I'll see you again.
All I need right now is to from hear you.
To know that you're alright.
That you're back there.
Alive and safe and well.
A message, through Email or text.
A few minutes of hearing you breathe.
It doesn't matter.
Damn it!
Please...

Then again, it makes me wonder why God granted us those moments.
It seemed impossible
Now that reality is slowly sinking in.
Then again, we thought it impossible before.
You caught me off-track with your determined soul.
I have never thought...
Whatever we had, I will treasure it forever.
I will
-*-
Older memories are now flashing back to me.
Memories that I thought I've forgotten entirely.
I welcome the pain as each stabs a wound that
re-opened to more agony.

You felt so warm, so comforting.
I felt so secure when I was with you.
It's just a matter of opening my eyes.
But there's no one to see.
It's all just haze now.
*******************************************

11/16/08

And still I prevent myself from pouring out.
I could feel my throat jam to keep me from wailing.
I know I'm not over you yet.
I couldn't bring myself to face reality.

2 weeks has passed.
I took the test.
Disappointment.

I know I will never see you again.
I've been putting the pieces together.
It's dawning on me that the puzzle seemed to have been solved now.
But I can't see the picture.
I'm left muddled.
I'm caught between hanging on and letting go.

It's a dark road.
I know there's a fork ahead.
I'm stuck in the middle.
Not moving.
Not feeling.
You left me there without a clue.
And I'm waiting.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
But I know I'm supposed to.
Please give me a sign.
I can't move on, I can't let go.
But I have nothing to cling on to either.

Come here he said over and over.
I still couldn't believe he was couple of yards in front of me.
I couldn't imagine that he was there.
I wasn't able to think clearly, to think right.
I was trying to do the right thing but damn it ***.
Why now, why all of a sudden.
I have so many things to tell you, to ask you, to share with you,
to explain and clarify things with you.
I felt happy to see you but I also felt sad.
I didn't know what to feel because we didn't have time.
Damn, you still look so good.
But what's

I know I'm not supposed to see you.
Not anymore.
But I need to.
I need you.
I need to see that you're well
That you're happy and smiling.
I don't know what the reason is
but I know that with every fiber of my being
I'm supposed to make you happy.
That, I've always known from the very moment we met.

***************************************************
11/18/08
I think I'm fine now.
But I'm decided.
I will have to let go.
It's not gonna be easy.
It hasn't been.
Nothing is when it comes to matters with him.

There maybe times when memories will come back to me.
I will welcome them with my heart open to pain.

We both lost our wallets at some point.
Funny isn't it?

only one by yellow card

there are so many things to do
write, surf, art
resign and re-designate
reform
re-dream
redesign the path

i hope 2009 will be different

this past is now a haze

i feel so by box car racer

i wanted to make the back room my studio,
my room, my own personal space

maybe i need to get a place of my own.
maybe i can get a house now. wish away.

i wonder if there's such a thing as acrobatic exercises....

oh yeah, i'd like to get classes fo sculpture

crossing the line by trust company

i'm still trying to find the best song.
not the best, the one well suited of that past

and now is one of the times when i don't feel alright

i want to work with clay, i better get out.

*************************************************
11/18/08

yeah. he does sing.
he's got a great voice.
although his voice is always rough when he talks.

i remember when told me he had cancer.
and that he didn't have long to live.
i cried while we talked.
my pack of tissue was emptied out.
it turned out that he was just pulling my leg.
it wasn't funny.
but i was greatly relieved.

come to think of it
i've only actually wept because of him.
wept and wailed.
why was that?
i only really cleaned up during his time.
though i knew that it wasn't possible for us to see each other then
funny.
after his time,
i grew so much thinner.
i smoked a lot
i drank more.

i wonder if i'm exaggerating.
i'm at a stand still
i repeat my words and phrases.
i keep trying to remember what happened.
how it felt. where we went.
what we talked about.
what i did before and after we met.
but it's fading.
i don't want it to fade.
it's the only thing i have left of him.
stupid me tried to forget the past of him.
what kind of person would forget a love that moved you so greatly?
only a person who's been hurt so greatly.

he said he was so insecure of himself.
he wasn't supposed to be.
he looked good. no, he looked great.
he will always look great.
and i remember how he walked.
he looked so conscious of other people watching him.

i remember he told me once.
he used to cry every night before he goes to sleep.
he cried for no reason at all.
i used to cry before i slept too.
it was only because of him.

*****************************************
11/19/08

i have dreamt of him again last night. we saw each other. he hugged me from behind and i was shocked to see his face. i was sitting down and he hugged me all of sudden, tightly like giving comfort. i looked at him with a shocked face and he looked back at me still with his arms around me. he was leaving soon. but we stil had time he says. but we were waiting fro my girlfriends. he went away for a while but it took him a long time to come back. i got so scared that he won't be coming back again. it took too long that one of my girlfriends was already back and he still wasn't. we were about to leave. i was pled for them to wait a while. he's coming back i said. and he did. just bought drinks he said. because we were all sweating. yeah, i remember now when he hugged me. we noticed that i had beads of sweat coming through my shirt and that our hair was sticking to sides of our faces. sweet of him to buy us all drinks. we left.

i lost him then.we were supposed to meet somewhere but i lost him there. he said he'll be right back but he suddenly called saying that he's under pressure and that they locked him up in his room. they found out about us he said. and it felt like he was out of his mind. i woke up then.

in that moment of waking up, when you don't know whether you're awake or still dreaming, that's when i heard him singing.

i wish you can just call and let me know that you're alright.

*********************************************
11/22/08

happy birthday... wherever you may be...

when we agreed to be together then, i remember saying that there shouldn't be any expectations nor pretensions between us. you agreed. no strings attached. but i remember the first time you said you loved me. it felt so right i had to pause and think hard if it was real.

i'm starting to see it now. i was and still am being selfish. i'm sorry. i should've told you and apologized when we met. all i have now are regrets. that is my punishment. thank you for being there though. you stuck up with me, with my exaggerations, with my stupidity and foolish dreams during my blinded youth. i wish i could've been there for you too, that i could've provided you comfort and made you feel safe. it's your birthday today. or at least i think it is. and i have so many wishes for you and i keep praying for it every time i remember you.

i don't know why it happened. i keep trying to find the reasons why fate decided to let us meet.

i have a feeling that you're okay. but i will keep on praying for your happiness.

********************************
11/22/08

it was full of different emotions all rolled into an insignficant period of time for this world. but the memory would truly be significant.

Hello was the first word I've heard. The voice was inquiring inspite of just responding to mine, hopeful but I couldn't recognize it. Somewhere inside of me I thought I should know who it was. Someone's looking for me. I was rattled. I had to stop and think. Deception was one of my greatest abilities and so I said for him to wait. Wait. All we did was wait, and we've been waiting for years. I held the handset to prevent him from hearing me. I looked at the caller id device and found the number was local. Cold. I felt cold. Too cold I forgot that my father was present. I was caught offguard when he asked who it was. I told him and his memory didn't fail this time. It was the same caller as the other night he said. But I was at work. Exasperation could have been the only clear emotion on my face but again I'm quite deceptive. I was too frozen to even ask why he didn't even inform me. I went back and said hello once more. He called my name, still having the same tone as earlier, inquiring and hopeful. I couldn't bring myself to say his because by that time, all I can remember was the pain that we've gone through. I was trying to sound stubborn, to sound cold. He didn't waste any time (because as I've found out later on, we didn't have much of it) and asked if we can see each other. By that time, I couldn't remember which one was a stronger hit on the head, that question or that time when I slipped and landed head first on the floor. There were so many memories that started going through my head, so many feelings that I've started to remember. I didn't know what I had to say. He asked if I had work that night. I lied. I wasn't ready to face him. Not just yet. He asked for my number then. I'm such full of crap. I said didn't memorize my number. I asked for his. He said the same thing, although I knew he meant it. He asked for my ym id instead, said he'll leave an offline message for his number. I gave the wrong one. We hung up. Rattled. Shocked to the bone. I couldn't believe what just happened. To distract me, I just went ahead and washed the dishes. Another ring after several minutes. I knew it was him. He just gave me his number. Okay, i said. I must admit that the thought of not contacting him passed through my mind. I can be heartless like that.

from what i can remember, it had been more than a year since the time i tried to forget him. And just out of nowhere, i get this phone call. I was utterly shocked.

************************************
11/25/08

I tried to make the portrait.
I struggled.
I wasn't even near half way
I thought I was scarring.
The wound is still fresh.
Blood and tears.
When will I heal?
I can't see it.

It finally dawned on me.
Why I desperately want to go surfing in La Union
I thought surfing will be my get away.
But yesterday when I back tracked
I remembered.
After we spoke on the phone, he went to La Union.
And when we were together, he shared his experience there.
And that I should go there sometime.
It's nice there he said. The people are nice.
He did mention something about surfing.
And that he bought a jar of aligue.
I didn't even know what that is.
And he had to explain it to me what it is.
It's that meat of a crab that's orange in color.
He bought it for 75 bucks he said.
Later on when his team found out, they took it from him.
He's not supposed to eat stuff like that.
It was high on cholesterol.
And he's not supposed to eat stuff like that.

God, I don't get what he ever saw in me.

I will need to go to La Union.
I have to be there.
Even if I don't learn how to surf.
I know I just have to be there.
*********************************************

12/11/08
What's supposed to happen?
There is something, isn't it?
You were never direct when it came to things like that.
All I know is that you're telling me to set things right.
The rest of the little things in my life.
You gave me a job at a time when I was desperate.
You gave me the right people to work with.
They eventually became great friends.
You provided me tangible things that would surprise me now and then.
You even gave me that one moment that I've been longing to have
for as far as I can remember.

But one thing I've noticed, my happiness was never that
long to savor. It's always taken away from me.
It's funny sometimes because happiness just comes out of nowhere.
It hits me like an invisible wall just suddenly came up while
I was running the norm. It hits right on target.
You know that I've dreamt of bigger things, impossible dreams.
But you've also always known that I just ask for far more smaller
than that. That I will always be grateful.
-*-

I can't say anything. I only feel the pain.
It's been a month and 2 weeks.
I hope you're okay.
Although something tugs at me whenever I think that.
It feels like you are content in some way.
But then, there's a "but".

-*-

It's pitch black. But I can feel the ground, solid.
I can't move, doubtful of my surroundings.
And then a light. I see you. I'm again shocked
yet rattled at the same time.
You look at me meaningfully.
Next thing I knew we were in each others' arms.
Silence and eventually our my quiet sobs.
I feel your comfort.

one of the most well-meant apologies...

2008-12-19T15:39:00.000-08:00

... in my life. yeah... call me heartless, that, i am guilty of.
i am selfish too. call me all the bad things that you can
think of, i will admit my guilt for it. i assure you nothing
can beat the pain and punishment i am still receiving.
so here's my "apology" to the one i've wronged.
(ignore incorrect spellings and grammatical errors,
i was sleepy, bear with it.)

"i know. i'm grateful. yet i know i've hurt you. there's still more to add to that pain.
i truly cannot find the words on how to express my apologies.
but i'm feeling selfish right now because i want to rid the guilt off me.
and i think i better say this before it would pass.

it's not your absence but of someone else.
i met up with him one day in november, here in manila.
i became lost ever since he left. that's why i'm trying to find myself right now.
if you don't get what i mean then i'm still sorry.
i'm being selfish remember and i will not expound further.

i know this will greatly pain you.
but as i've said before, i haven't seen us being together after your graduation.
and when november passed, i knew why.
and even after all that has happened, i still can't see us together.

i am looking for myself. i am seriously trying.
but everytime i think that i've already found myself,
every time you send me a text or on email or when we chat,
i would think that i found my inner strength to face you and
go back to the way things were between us but that rattles me even more.
i find myself sinking deeper to whatever lost world i'm in.

i will admit that i am seriously in pain.
i know that i will cause you greater pain during and after your read this.
but as i've said, i truly cannot find the words on how to express my apology."

as if being blunt is not enough to alienate people,
being headstrong is one of the key points of my
personality. i must've heard myself apologizing
numerous times over little things and i assure you
i've meant none of it. ironically, like a broken record,
i would say the most difficult word in my life repeatedly
as if to force it into your head till you get full of it and
ask me to stop, myself being forgiven as the conclusion.

and again, ironically, when i know i've gone too far,
you'll hear no apologetic phrases from me, but instead,
a whole-hearted admission that i have done you wrong.
it is not nice too look at or hear (well from my point
of view anyway, hehe) because it feels like i'm forced
to kneel down a pile of rock salt for not eating vegetables,
and eventually having those vegetables forced down my
throat. pride, i tell you, one of them capital vices of the
early Christian teachings. (funny, i'm not even Christian)

but for whatever reason, you will feel my remorse
and see the sorrow in my eyes but i will not say the word
for it is not enough to ask for forgiveness (unless forced to)
i assure you though that i would mean it in every possible way,
every possible expression that i can. and that's all there is to it.

wish list

2008-12-17T14:25:00.000-08:00

mcdo... eating alone. how pathetic can i get. and
right across me sat 2 almost middle-aged
socialite women talking about their wish list for
Christmas. one talked about just wanting to fix
her house with her husband. the other just agreed.
the first woman said something about just having
all their friends come over to their house and
have a good time. the other just agreed again.
a bit one-sided really. and then the first woman
mentioned something about writing a well-meant
wish list to make it easier for everyone.
write something what your heart truly desires, she said.
i stopped eavesdropping after that. that was a stab
straight to the heart cause there was only
one name that came to mind.

damn.

i hurried to eat the rest of my upgraded
double-cheeseburger deluxe meal. i left several
sticks of fries and a third of my soda then left.
i didn't want to eavesdrop on the rest of the women's
conversation. or rather the first woman's monologue.
it sucked.

that's when i decided to go to another mall,
somewhere nearer to home. my feet and legs
were beginning to feel numb. but it didn't matter,
something else in me was feeling much worse.
i could've burst into bucket-fulls if i were alone.
but being the self-controlled composed freak that
i am in front of even just one person, it didn't even
go past my eyelids. pathetic, ain't i? i wonder if
i'm actually a robot who fears to rust all over at the
feel of just one tear.

i vowed to make myself un-miserable. it didn't help.
even after buying a ridiculously expensive top
and a picture card for my new cam, i still felt the
same when i went home. and so i add something else
in my wish list. something Emi had wanted too.
a remedy for heart aches.

A great memory...

2008-12-08T23:50:00.000-08:00

Have I ever mentioned that Essie-hime has a great voice?
Yeah she does. It both amazes and amuses me.

First Love - Utada Hikaru

I had breakfast with a few of my teammates
this morning at McDo. I ate 4 pieces of pancakes,
an effort to get me on the road to gaining weight.
We were waiting for 8am. Jules and I were to
claim our prizes from the Xmas party raffle.
After all the food was gobbled down, there
were only words and laughter. There had been
numerous moments like that with them.
Our team. And I wouldn't miss those moments
for the world. It was one of those things that
just simply felt right. I eventually drifted off
to reset, when I heard this song. Well this isn't
exactly the song but the English version of it.
And I suddenly saw Essie-hime in my mind.
And she was singing this version. A very nice
memory. Again, one of those memories that
just felt that it fits into place. She sang it during
one of the first drinking sessions with class 37.
My mind has associated this song with her. It
will always be stuck like that I know.
That I see just as Raizah.

Reminds me of.... someone. *sigh*
Can't believe it still hurts.

Grateful Still?

2008-12-03T15:46:00.000-08:00

I am tired of just going home,
and crawling to my bed in self pity.
I'm tired of having my face in contortion
and letting it lie on a damp pillow.
I am tried of waking up all puffy-eyed.
You would think I've been through the
Sandman's realm for far too long a time.

And so I am grateful for music.
For my piano and music sheets.
For pastels and paints.
For watercolor pencils.
For every paper I can write on.
And for every pen or pencil that writes.
For the court that I will soon be playing on.
For the board that I will be riding on.
For the rooms that I will be recreating
For the books that I'll be reading

But I'm still stuck.
Am I finally living?
Or am I still just running away?

Grateful

2008-12-03T01:11:00.001-08:00

I am grateful for the Twilight Saga.
At least my minds would argue over
how much a try-hard it is on being
a romantic slash suspense-thriller.
I am grateful for the responsibilities.
Our team's manager is out of the
country and I was given a big chunk
of to-do list for the rest. Not that I'm
bragging, but it's good therapy.
I am grateful for friends. Winnie has
always been into surfing and I intend
to go with her one of these days. Jules
is planning to remodel his room, and I
intend to design it for him. And there's
a whole lot of others.

I am grateful for distractions.
It gets my mind off from pain and I
can at least pretend that I can go on
with my life with a smile plastered on
my face. I was once accused of being
a great pretender. Of course.
I can even change the aura around me.
I smile incredulously despite the pathetic
little face I make when I'm close to tears.

But I am grateful for two people who
can look through that. One of my
teammates from work, suddenly came
up to me one day and asked if there
was a problem. She felt the heaviness
around me. My Mom, who in another
day went to my room and asked me the
same thing, which is unusual because
we never had that kinds of conversation.
I am grateful for them because I know
when I should strengthen my barrier

I am more grateful for two people who lent an
ear when I allowed that barrier to weaken.
Their patience of listening to my miserable
gibberish of pain is greatly appreciated.
They are both my teammates too. One who's
always there to listen. She knows when I
need some distraction when I invite her to
have coffee at a particular Starbucks branch.
And he, well, one of my best drinking buddies ever.

But I am grateful for being alone when that
barrier does decide to crumble down. I have
only myself to hold and my wails to comfort me.
I don't think my pride would accept someone
seeing how pathetic I am when that happens.

scratch that...

2008-11-29T16:20:00.001-08:00

yep. back to being miserable.
so unmistakeably unstable.

It Stops Here

2008-11-26T19:52:00.001-08:00

Playing with life stops here.
Living with it starts now.
I sure feel like I'm meaning it when I say that.
There were too many things that happened that made me realize that.
I needed that bang on the head both literally and metaphorically.
That's all I needed to make myself look at reality.
I need to face it head on.
I can't run away now, I've been running for so long.
I've been afraid for so long.
But there's really no time left.
Let's live now.

Excerpts of the Frozen

2008-11-23T21:43:00.000-08:00

Listening to the same song
Saying the same lines
Same clip that runs
Over and over in my mind

Found a forgotten past
Found you at last
What does it mean?
Hear me
Feel me
Please
Let this pass
How long this time?
Two years, three
Another lifetime maybe
Swear not to forget
Seemed like a dream
Fading
Nothing seems real
Can finally feel
Can't actually feel
Bearing the same pain
Nothing to gain
Nothing's the same

Could have died
Could start a new life
Holding on to just regrets
All regrets

2008-11-19T22:01:00.000-08:00

Just Like Honey - The Jesus And Mary Chain

Listen to the girl
As she takes on half the world
Moving up and so alive
In her honey dripping beehive
Beehive
It's good, so good, it's so good
So good

Walking back to you
Is the hardest thing that
I can do
That I can do for you
For you

I'll be your plastic toy
I'll be your plastic toy
For you

Eating up the scum
Is the hardest thing for
Me to do

anong balak mo?

2008-11-18T22:23:00.001-08:00

The question is still ringing in my head.
I was meaning to go out today.
I was meaning to get away,
explore a new place like I always do.
I thought I was okay.
But it was just a momentary thing.

I was intending to meet up with Essie-hime if ever.
But something else came to mind after she asked that.

My intentions are now vague.
That past is becoming a haze.
I try to grasp what's left of it.
But I swear I won't forget.
I don't know what to do now.
I don't know what plans I have to make.

What was it for?
What was the meaning of it?
These questions... I know I have to ignore.
The puzzle seems solved.
But there's something wrong.
I'm left hanging.

I have no intentions.
No, not yet.

A flash of memory...

2008-11-05T22:17:00.000-08:00

I remembered the tears.
They kept on coming despite fighting them back.
It was the first time in many years.
I was surprised to hear myself sobbing.
I thought I was frozen but there I was.
Struggling. Trembling.
I was trying to keep my composure.
I was at work after all.
But I kept on weeping.
It was agonizing.
I felt like I was gonna be sick.
I know I had to squeeze and let my heart out with every drop of a tear.
I thought I had.
But all through out that day, my eyes would well up.
And all I could feel was pain.
It was torture.
If I had my ways, if it were up to me....
I would....
I would....
God knows I would.....

Switched

2008-10-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

In just a matter of moments, I found myself waking up.
But my back was on the floor and I was looking up to
familiar faces who were asking if I was alright.

It was an outing with the team. I slipped but all I can
remember from the incident was my foot slipping.
The bang must have woken me up. She has been
hushed for now. It has been long overdue. She had
her fun and I've been meaning to take over ever
since she tried withstanding the emotions. She
couldn't but she still didn't want to sleep.

Anyway, now that I'm awake, I try to portray
her character. But like in the beginning, I still
don't talk much. I don't joke too often. I hope
they don't notice. And if they do, I hope they
will understand.

I let her take her own stage now. I stop here.

on weddings...

2008-10-18T21:18:00.001-07:00

someone please shoot me. right now.

sheesh...

2008-10-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

it's funny... if it was Emi's wedding, i'll feel more
ecstatic about this. but for some reason, i don't
feel as i should be in situations like this. to think
this is my sister's wedding.

there are just so many contradictions. being the
first to be married among 4 kids, and at age 31,
my sister, along with her fiance, and my parents are
contradicting each other. i guess that's the reason
why i don't want to participate in this "joyous"
event. i'll be caught in between again. my sister
would have loved the ceremony to be simple.
only the immediate family and close relatives. on
the other hand, my parents are making a fuss out
of this. having my relatives from the very south
to fly out here. getting the house turn to something
i don't even recognize (although i do admit it's pretty)
it's just going to be a very awkward situation when
my sister and her soon-to-be-husband would be going
around talking to people they don't even care about.
one word..... plastic. that's what they're trying not to be.
sheesh... i don't even want to start to think about
what's gonna happen and who's fault it's going to be.

at this point in time, i should be in a state of panic.
with only 2 days left before my sister's wedding,
there's still so much to be done. i'm more of a person
who runs everything from the background but i'm not
even very ecstatic about that either. being as i am,
i refuse to move. there are so many responsibilities
that i know they would have given me. but if it were
up to me, i could have just locked myself up somewhere.
even my means of escape for last night seemed to have
been intercepted. my parents took me to the office and
waited for me till i was done with the "meeting". sheesh.
if i could have just went to the office myself and stayed
there till dawn, i'd be grateful enough to have granted
that solitude.

i don't want to be in my sister's wedding. i don't want
to be a part of the preparations and all that crap. but out
of respect, my wishes are only that i'll be there at the
ceremony itself, then i'll be gone in less than a second to
where ever i may find peace. but i'll just wish myself away.
because that's not gonna happen.

why am i so negative about this? who the hell cares?
all i know is that somewhere deep inside of me, i know that
something is wrong about this wedding. i'm pretty sure
that everyone knows that too. the tension is obvious.

roller coaster dream

2008-10-09T08:18:00.000-07:00

"... it was fast, no doubt about it. i was screaming at
the top of my lungs, hands above my head, my hair
was at different directions due to gravity and the wind.
i was laughing at my hardest during the moments when
i wasn't screaming. it was quite enjoyable, the first
time i took a ride on a roller coaster. someone just
suddenly put me into one of the cars, and it went off
so fast that i had to look back to see the person
responsible for this. i was caught off guard, you see.
and at the end of the ride he was still there waiting.
he took my hand and said he'll take me to work. it
seems that we both had shifts that night.

i almost stopped when i saw his car. i've seen the car
before. and i smiled because i know he had worked
hard to restore it. he opened the door for me, would
you believe that? well, he did. and i was flattered.

the ride to work was enjoyable. it was obvious enough
through our faces. we would look at each other and smile...."

it was a dream and i knew it even as it was happening.
there was still more after that. but i felt my face stretch
into a huge smile even before i woke up. i was just really
in wonder why he was the guy in my dream. after thinking
somewhat deeply, it finally dawned on me.

it was like a slide show of pictures with 0.0001 second
per frame when my mind back tracked. first few frames
were of a person, who has always come into my dreams.
i was always in his arms, feeling his warmth, protective
of me and i felt so secured. and no, it's not sex. always
just in his embrace. i've dreamt of it often, that i would
know that i'm dreaming that same person again at the
moment of a single touch. i've thought of him similar
to a guardian angel. but i've never seen his face.

i back tracked once more and the next frames.....
Bacolod Chicken.... videoke... buckets of beer...
and an arm around my waist. the warmth felt so familiar,
like my "guardian angel's" but not quite... almost though.
it wasn't as perfect as in my dreams were.
but i was amazed how familiar his arm felt.
i looked at the person and the slide show paused.
i smiled. and went back to reality.

i have no idea why fate decided to let the person
show the "guardian angel" in my dreams as this person.
but i'm glad that i at least felt something like it in
reality for once.

the funny thing and the only question now is,
why was was there a black beetle in the dream too? O_o

butch!?!?!

2008-09-29T20:17:00.001-07:00

okay. first of all, i'm not gay.
second, i like wearing comfy clothes.
third, i walk the way i want, move the way
i want, do things the way i want.
because that's most comfortable for me.
i don't wear girly girly clothes primarily because
i'm thin. and girly girly clothes are usually
skimpy so i don't want to look like a stick.
i slouch i lot, yes. but that's the way i am.
i'm not the type of girl who's so lady like
but i have my manners.
i have so many things to do and even more
plans of things to do in life. so i have no time to
worry on how i look or how i walk.
but that don't mean that i'm gay.
i was raised to love art, music, sports and
everything life has to offer me.
i was raised to express who i am, as i am.
that's all there is to it.
want me to be absurd about it?
i am a woman and takes pleasure
of achieving ecstasy at that moment
of sexual intercourse with a man.
but for goodness sake, i can't even
imagine myself eating another female's taco.
satisfied???
i'm not a butch or whatever term you call
it, for crying out loud!

i have made yet another come back from the dead.

2008-09-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

by Izz

unburied a previous life, and met up with friends i haven't
seen in a few years. yes.. 3 whole effing years without sight.
nor puffed smoke with, nor drank beer with, nor spent
silent in one side of the tables with. but always, i had the
right-on-the-target retorts which are not funny but i think
of as otherwise. i quote myself, "i am blunt". and i could have
ended in a pulp of blood, skin and pulverized bones if they
were not my friends.

it was nice to see the lot of them. and as i've felt every time
i'm blessed with their presence, and if only my mind was made
of bronze or marble, i could have etched and sculpted those
moments, passing by the gallery as i reminisce. but we can't
have it all can we? i'm only human, with a living brain after all.
pumping blood into, and all i can do is remember.

i have nothing more to say about those couple of hours i've
spent, looking in the times of a circle of friends, that i fear
i will imperfect if i blend. but i've yet to realize how i've longed
to see there face for all those years spent wasted. and it starts
right about now.

there are still plans that are left to be carried out with
these people, things that i have to finish. especially with one
particular person whom i fear i might hurt someday, whom
i gave the other wood carved elephant. for this person is
someone i can rely on. someone i can be myself with, no
matter which person i'll be coming out as. i guess i gave out
the wrong signals. and these friends of ours were giving
hints of getting us closer, without a clue that the one person
that we all know is actually someone i love dearly. thus,
he escorted me home. i am grateful for his fondness of me
and protection over me. however, i will always see him as a
great friend, and nothing more.

another soul to mess up? hopefully not.

(rai here speaking: baby, don't get this wrong i just don't know how to handle this)

still the messy nut head

2008-09-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

inspite of the new do... i rarely comb my hair.
that's exactly why i had my hair done.
so at least it would still look nice even if i don't fix it.
2000 bucks? well worth it...

had it cut short. i could've had it a bit shorter.
but as peers had criticized, the treatment would have
been a waste if i had it pushed through.

if i had my way, i could've skipped the treatment,
could've had my hair cut to about 2 inches short.
so when i'll wake up, i'll just put gel and
run my fingers through it and voila!

oh well, i never had the best decisions. and i'm
glad my ever so reliable friends were there
to guide me through my new look.

here's how i look now....

pardon the picture... i'm a bit drunk right now.

========================

my love of classical music was revived.
arigatou gozaimsu, Essie-hime.
she introduced Nodame Cantabile.
and for that i have finished the first season of
both the anime and live versions of it.
plus the special lesson of the live version.
(many thanks to crunchyroll.com as well.)
so for now, i'm back to playing the scales
everyday to practice my fingers.
may i finish Pathetique soon... i hope.
i've been trying to practice it for months.
i need a mentor.

=======================

landed 2nd prize for the bulletin board in the office.
another well worth effort.
primary goal was to win first place
so as the team would get funds for the
team building. but as it turned out,
some other team had better concepts and efforts.
i can settle for 2nd place.
at least we have added funds.
will post a picture of the board soon.

======================

that's all i can think of right now.
well except of the agitation to go to
work later. i'll finally see someone
i've been longing to see for the
past few days. just a few glimpses
would be enough.

=======================

so now let me get over this drunkeness....

my first 5 centimeters

2008-08-19T00:00:00.000-07:00

================================================================ Friends/repapips I am rebuilding my contacts list and I'd like you to be in it. Kindly send me an email with the following details; full name: address: (st, city, country) company name: company address: email address: profession: birthday: mobile number: landline number: please put in "contact details: {insert your nickname}" in the subject. my email address is ***.*******.dropbox@gmail.com hindi ito spam dont worry. hehehe. paki-note din if you want my contact details, i'd gladly send it back to you. thanks. appreciate it very much. ---e** ================================================================

i got this about a week ago from a....
let's just call him a friend.
i'm undecided to comply to his request.
he's someone that i'd gladly forget, you see, and i would
appreciate it much if i did. i've been trying to
for the past several years. but of course i
can't especially since i'm in good terms with him.

reminds me of that series of short
stories that i borrowed from Essie-hime,
Byousoku 5 Centimeters.
our story is somehow similar to this.
and i admit my eyes poured when i looked
back and found no one.
funny thing is, i kept on looking back.
no one was there no matter how long i've
waited nor how many times i've looked.
it was the first time i got so broken.

then here we are again at the railroad crossing.
his turn now. but i'm already decided.
he won't see anyone once the train will pass.

Reversion

2008-08-15T23:30:00.000-07:00

by Izz
(initially saved as a draft)

My attempts of recalling when it occurred has resulted to failure.
As of the moment, I am grateful to have granted stillness.
But I wonder why she gave such gratuity.
Perhaps she has found comfort in her new companions.
I certainly hope so.
For I can barely feel her grip on me.
Instead, I feel as though I am the one protected.
Her companions seem to be both our shields as I rest.
But there are those occasional battles when I am suddenly rigid.
I am filled with her urgency to be guarded.
These are moments when strangers surround her.
I welcome those instances amidst this quiescence.
For I will not have her broken.
Never again.
But for now, I sleep.

more bits and pieces

2008-08-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

it often hurts when i walk.
but i don't have fever.
so there's still hope that it's not an infection of whatever vermiform.

before i forget, i got tagged by Essie-hime.
let me do this first.

____________________________
The Rules:
1. Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.
2. Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their ten things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose ten people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling they're tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I still get a strong urge to dance whenever i hear
Michael Jackson's music.

2. I don't know if its just coincidence, but every time
I check my weight it would always turn out to be
83 lbs.

3. Someone once believed that I have a bipolar disorder.
(Is this correct grammar?)

4. I am very particular with spelling and grammar. So if
you think the above statement is incorrect, please let me
know.

5. I love anything that writes and anything that I can
write them on. They are instruments that can
relieve anger, depression, loneliness.
It is a task of which I can find peace.

6. There's another voice in my head. Some say it's my
conscience while others think I'm just crazy. I wonder
how they'll react if I told them there's more than
just one voice...

7. I can't say that I love art. But I can say that I love
looking for the beauty in every creation and feeling
that same passion the creator was feeling while
expressing/doing/making it.

8. My family would still hide chocolates from me.
I used to love sweets, you see. Reese's peanut butter
cups were my favorite and I used to finish a gigantic
pack of it in one sitting. Actually, I used to always
do that with any kind of chocolate. I wonder why I
never got fat.

9. I started drinking coffee when I was 6 or 7 years
old. I was in love with it ever since.

10. I can't decide on my own unless urgency calls for it.
I usually have to observe how other people would
decide on certain situations or how the majority would
decide.

Tagged: oh sh*t... i don't know who to tag... i'll update this later....
i already have Beans tagged... hmm.. who else, I wonder....

_____________________________

so there.

i've been exercising by the way.
i have to get my body prepared for the games.
i'm cutting down on smoking too.
i will have to build my body's resistance.
i've noticed that my body isn't that flexible anymore.
it's hard to cope.

i'd like to try to work out in a gym.
but the thought makes me feel embarrassed.
i feel like i have to make myself a bit
healthier before i be like one of them hamsters.

oh yeah... i will post very soon again.
or maybe on the other one. i have to
express some more things.....

bits and pieces of previous weeks

2008-08-10T01:28:00.000-07:00

bush, foo fighters....
i miss listening to their music.
i miss going to gigs with Joey.

i regret not getting into medicine.
i could have been a doctor by now.
i'm still thinking if i should practice my latest degree.
maybe i should study another course.
what can i say, i've always been a lost soul.

the Old Sam, came by for a visit.
he looked older from the last time i saw him.
would you believe that he still drives at his age?
amazing.....
he's thinner, yet he is livelier than ever.

oh yeah, i joined the sportsfest,
joined volleyball and table tennis.
but with my current state, i don't think i can compete.
sh*t! i'm all excited and here comes pain.
i'm still under observation... by my Mom

ap·pen·di·ci·tis \ə-ˌpen-də-ˈsī-təs\noun
Etymology: New Latin
Date:1886

: inflammation of the vermiform appendix

i have an officemate.
she reminds me of myself.
back during the time when i can still
compare myself to Delight.
i hope she will never fade.

ouch... damn pain....
why do we have to have an appendix anyway?

oh yeah.... i saw him once more.
at the entrance of the elevator.
it was a very funny moment.
how i longed for the elevator doors to close.
i wanted to ask if he was going up.
but i know i would just burst out laughing.
he on the other hand seemed to have wanted to go in.
but stopped himself and realized that the elevator
was going the wrong way.
there was nothing but silence and
obvious controlled mirth.
and... a lot of eye movement.

hahaha... ouch. it hurts to laugh.

i finally finished that anime the innocent girl
recommended. Hachikuro.
i'm beginning to wonder if there's such a
guy like Nomiya-san who exists and who
is still single. hahahaha.. dream on!

it's been a while since i last spoke with
my sister. she called yesterday. we didn't
talk for long since she was working and i was
tired from work.
she's starting to fade.
my other sister seems to fade too.
my brother is still somehow visible.
their starting to lead their own lives now.
i wonder if i'm doing the same thing.

speaking of fading... so is Bug.
i wonder how long we'll still last.
he's not fading. but he just comes
and goes. i'm more used to him
not being here... that's sad.

this is starting to be depressing.
*ouch.*

2008-07-21T23:46:00.000-07:00

okay... let me just rant a bit...

========================

for the love of God! it's hot, i'm hungry, i'm sleepy and
i am friggin' tired! i just want to get home, for crying
out loud! i just want the damn ringing to end and for
someone to pick up the f*ckin' phone! i don't need to
know if i dialed a direct line. i just want to get through
to my mother so i'm just asking for the right
local number of her department. i can't believe i was
transferred to someone who isn't even listening to what
i'm saying. i said i need the f*ckin' correct local number!
i'm not asking if this is a direct line! and for Pete's sake!
i don't want to wait almost two hours for someone to
get here and drive me home. i could have just gone
straight home and arrive in less than 2 hours! sheesh!
damn it! i don't want to go through hassle anymore!

======================

whew! thank you. i think i'm okay now.
this day is certainly not one of those better days.
i can say that my days from the last few weeks
were some of the best. and i guess i miss that.
i miss a lot of things from the past weeks.
i feel sad.

2008-07-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

here i am again, the world going in circles.
spicy food is the only thing keeping me awake.
yeah i need sustenance. plain beer without anything
solid to put in your mouth is not good. but i'm just
fine. songs to keep me going, a billiard game
to keep me intact.
well.... reality just comes and goes.

should have gone with the others to the mall.
but as it turned out, i'm out of dough.
had to drop by Antel for cash.
took a cab home with the rest of the QC people.
bought a couple of newspapers several blocks
from my house. cab driver was kind enough
to wait for me. gave him enough fare to get him
by for lunch after.

thought i won't see him today, a guy who twists
my inside out, butterflies flying yet a reaction
of utter silence. a glimpse was enough. but i
got more than that, with half of my team to back
me up. sheesh.... nothing but the entirety of
embarrassment itself, head bowed down yet
jumping in joy inside.

sigh... need sleep... let me sleep and submit to
myself to the sandman's realm.

2008-07-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

usually when i get home from work, i would make breakfast
for me and my dad. some coffee, deli, scrambled eggs and
toast. however today, since my sister and her fiance was coming
home from singapore, and me being a bit drunk and all, i expected
a big breakfast waiting for me at home. and there it was!
how nice, isn't it? there were pancakes and toast, fresh fruit and
juice, scrambled eggs and deli, the works! but wait, there's more!
together with such wonderful breakfast is a huge pile of dishes
needed to be washed..... sigh.... so much for wonderful.
my mom wasn't feeling well, so i did the dishes for her instead.
it's so much fulfilling if you do something good first and eat a
more than satisfactory breakfast. hmm... now all i need is a
good night's..... hmmm... day's rather... rest. my world is still
going in circles. you'd expect that i'll go straight to bed. but no!
there are things to be done! so i shall work work work! or
rather wash wash and wash some more dishes!

damn... i think i need coffee....

On Tarot Cards...

2008-07-08T16:13:00.001-07:00

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.